Manhood and Fatherhood

Two books had a decisive impact on my view of my role as father and husband.

The first is Fatherhood & Family, published by Angelus Press. It got my head on straight regarding my view of my wife, my children, and the world. Most of it was very difficult to digest the first time through. Coming from a very N.O. background and the "mutual submission" lobotomy that goes with it, this book challenged me, and gets a re-read every 18 months or so.

The second book was Created to Be His Helpmeet, by Debi Pearl. This one is for the ladies (in my best Barry White voice). Once again, it is a very tough read. My wife started reading it and dismissed it as Fundamentalist garbage. But when our N.O. friends reacted so violently against some of the more sane concepts, She took another look. What is boils down to is this: Women -- act like a woman and treat your husband like a man (with all of the manly-man things that it implies).

When I started thinking of myself as a Man, Husband, and Father, I became better at it. When my wife acted like a Lady, Wife, and Mother, and started treating me like a Man, Husband, and Father, I bore the yoke much more comfortably, and started treating my wife like a Lady. I know that she will support me in whatever I do. I trust her opinions even more because she knows that I have her and the children's best interests at heart.

And finally, sharing one's concerns and fears with one's wife is one of the best things one can do. Does she not share the same with you?

One of the (many) turning points in my relationship with my wife was after we had been married for several years. While courting her, I said all of the lovey-dovey stuff (true nonetheless) about how much I need her and depend upon her presence in my life. After getting married, I immediately assumed the role of what I thought a husband/provider should be. I rarely, if ever, shared my dependency upon her, fearing that she would see me as weak and vulnerable -- a shell of the man that she had married. Years later, due to some family crisis, I broke down and shared my utter dependence upon her in my life, ultimately saying "I need you". She broke down in tears, stating that she feared losing me to my work or the world because I no longer needed her. By the weird ways in which God works through human frailty, my weakness/vulnerability made me stronger through my wife.

BTW, the clamming up myself and shutting off my feelings was something I learned by example. In turn, I hope to pass a better example to my own children. They will never forget the example I set for them.