God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

Christine:
But sometimes it just seems too risky for me to share those inner feelings. And all of us have parts of ourselves that we don’t want others to see. It is very hard to reveal the things about myself that I judge to be unlovable. Every one of us has self-doubts, things we see in ourselves that show us how far from perfect we are. We see our own weaknesses, faults, and failures as road-blocks to others loving us. We center in on these self-doubts and hold them close to ourselves, hoping we can hold them away from others.
I keep hidden from others, especially James, my feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated. I get bogged down in the details of my day to day life until I feel like I am suffocating under a heap of wet Kleenex. When I feel out of control I try to portray myself as strong and capable. I put on my cheerful face and redouble my efforts to try to hide my feelings of exhaustion and discouragement. I judge that if people knew I struggle to keep up with the things I choose to do they would see me as weak, helpless and needy, and they would be right. I would lose respect and approval. If James knew I was feeling totally freaked out and overtaxed, I judge that he would pity me. I think he can’t love someone that he pities, so I fear being totally open about this part of myself.
Fears also limit my willingness to trust. I fear that if I share myself fully with James, including feelings I judge to be ugly and undesirable, that he will look more closely at me, and confirm my worst beliefs about myself. I fear he will see me as a less-than-ideal mate and a very incapable mommy. I feel naked and exposed, like a child at the center of ridicule. My exposed feeling wraps around me tightly, like a suffocating, scratchy wool blanket in August. I can feel my throat tighten and tears well up.
When I keep my overwhelmed and despondent feelings hidden from James, I am not letting him see the whole me. I am only showing him the parts of me I think he will approve of. I choose to show him only the Chris who is strong, independent and capable. When I keep my feelings bottled up inside, I tend to be irritable and short-tempered. I am impatient and snappy with James to push him away from me, sending the message that I don’t want him near me. James has no way of knowing why I am acting ugly, since I have not shared my weariness and fear with him. It drives a wedge between us and we become cooler and more distant. We begin to live more independent lives because it seems easier and more comfortable than me revealing myself fully.
Some other fears that we may experience when sharing ourselves fully with our spouse are disappointment, hurting the other, rocking the boat, being forced to change, and many others.

James:
One way we can choose to love is to be willing to risk vulnerability by sharing with our spouse those parts of us that we don't want others to see. Risking to share these innermost parts of ourselves builds trust in our relationship. Trust is having confidence in my spouse’s love for me. Risk is deciding to go beyond my obstacles and fears and become vulnerable to my spouse. Trust is a state of mind, but Risk is taking an ACTION.
We need to give a clear picture of what we mean when we say trust and risk. Trust has more to do with who I am and my relationship with another person. Risk is what I do about it. For instance, once or twice a year, Chris and I drive back to see my parents in Missouri. I can trust that Chris is a good driver, but I risk when I let her drive while I get some sleep in the passenger seat. I trust when I am confident that Chris loves me enough to listen to my concerns and not ridicule me for them. I risk when I share these thoughts and concerns with Chris. I am allowing myself to be "naked" in front of my spouse. I am letting her see all of me, to include the weaknesses, not just my successes and goodness.
I cannot encourage you enough to risk exposing your hidden self to your spouse. In sharing my inner self with Chris, I have discovered feelings that I didn't even know I had, and I learned so much about myself and re-discovered the lover with whom I can safely share my internal struggles, weaknesses, and failures, and know that I will be understood and accepted. When I risk to share my innermost feelings with Chris, our togetherness grows and we become like two people looking through the same set of eyes.

Christine:
Genesis, chapter 2, verses 24 and 25 tell us “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body. The man and his wife were both naked, yet they felt no shame.”
This is a message of intimacy that calls us to be honest, open, tender and trusting with each other and experience no shame. Being naked here refers not only to the physical, but also to the emotional level.
I take the responsibility to share my inner self instead of waiting to be asked what is going on inside of me. Becoming one body means loving James without conditions. When I do these things I am showing James and the world what God’s love is like: without conditions.
When I risk myself and my feelings with James, I am free to be loved totally, unconditionally for exactly who and where I am. I give James the freedom to be more totally open with me in return. The more we risk, the more we trust each other, which helps us to risk again, which helps us to trust each other even more.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

James:
We talked earlier about the way our attitudes are formed as we mature, and how they reflect our inner beliefs. The behaviors we use in our marriage are different from our attitudes. While our attitudes are generally unchanging over time, and reflect our core values, a behavior is a learned and adaptable manner of presenting oneself. Behaviors are used to win approval, gain respect, or accomplish another end. Behaviors may be different depending on whether the setting is work, home, or play. Behaviors have been learned over a lifetime, but as opposed to attitudes, they are much more subject to adaptation and change. Behaviors can be unlearned as well as learned.
To clarify the distinction between our attitudes and our behaviors, sometimes it is helpful to use an analogy. For instance:
If I were to ask you what type of house you live in, you could tell me it is a tri-level. That gives me a broad picture of your house, which will never change. The style of your home could be compared to your attitudes. But for me to really get a picture of what your house is like, you would need to tell me what kind of cabinets your kitchen has, the color of the carpet, or the type of furniture you have. This is a more detailed description of your home, and things that you CAN and WILL change. The decorations or color of carpeting can be likened to your behaviors. We can decide to change them anytime we want. But we will still be living in a tri-level house.

Having discussed the difference between attitudes and behaviors, I will now talk about some of my behaviors that have affected our relationship. When I was younger, I would often wait until the last possible minute before making a decision, hoping to make the “best” decision with the most information available. And when these decisions turned out with a positive result, I learned that getting all of the information and finding the best way to do things was more efficient and more appreciated by others. I was careful to associate with people I respected and looked up to so as to be perceived as respectable. I was often rewarded by teachers and peers with additional responsibilities for knowing the rules and following them. As I got older, my behaviors intensified. I am a chronic problem-solver, who is always looking for a better way to do things. Friends have always appreciated my ability to get to the heart of a matter and offer insights that were previously missed. When there is something to be done, I get everything sorted out and planned before actually performing the task, so that things are done right the first time.
My behaviors often have positive effects on my relationship with Chris. When Chris asks me what I think about a particular issue, I am up front and honest, which increases her trust in me. My tendency to work efficiently is helpful when I help clean up around the house. I become a single-minded, dishwashing machine who has the kitchen spic and span in no time flat. Chris sees how deeply I love her when I do things like this without being asked, and I am built up by her telling me how much she appreciates my help. The efficiency of teamwork also buys Chris and I some alone time in the evenings to talk and laugh.
Unfortunately, my behaviors also have negative impacts on my relationship with Chris. I often spend multiple hours reading. My quest for knowledge often interferes with Chris’ schedule, and she accuses me of being lazy and uncaring. This distances me from Chris, and tells her that she is not worth my attention. Our conversation stops, and Chris gets “Bangy”. When I do things around the house, I have a one-track mind. I am often defensive with Chris when she asks me to do something that is not within the scope of what I am already doing. I become short-tempered if she interrupts me. Chris leaves me alone so that she can do something else.

Christine
The decision to love often means being willing to change for the sake of our relationship. It means that I am willing to change behaviors that have a negative impact on my relationship with James. I take responsibility for the quality of our relationship. I do not need to wait for James to change before I can change. I am responsible for my own behavior.
I choose to live a more intimate and responsible life with James. Intimacy comes from making choices that are outside our normal behaviors. One thing that I have tried really hard to change in myself in our relationship is to be more clear about my expectations of James. I generally want him to understand what I want without my actually having to say so. I realized that this was unfair to James, so now I try to tell him verbally with politeness what I am wanting from him. Another choice that I make to be responsible in our marriage is to stop trying to change James. One way I do this is to give him some down time when he gets home from work in the evening; instead of greeting him at the door with a “honey-do” list. I try to give him this transition time with patience and understanding, instead of waiting with baited breath to get him to do what I want. I still often fail at choosing not to try to change James. I have this annoying habit of offering James two choices, one of which I have decided already is clearly the wrong choice, but I don’t actually tell him that until he makes his decision. THEN I explain why that choice is wrong instead of just telling him what I think we should do from the get-go. I also have a habit of volunteering his time for things I think he ought to do.
When I try to be intimate and responsible with James our lives together are more smooth, and romance seems natural and easy. Closeness is a feeling. It can easily be lost when difficulties arise. God invites us to choose something greater, a kind of relationship that brings much deeper involvement. True intimacy is a condition of the heart, an attitude that leads us to choose to open ourselves to being touched by our spouse and to accepting our spouse.

James
I also have behaviors that I have changed for the sake of our relationship. I really enjoy the “me-time” of reading for hours. A good book and a comfy couch is all the temptation that I need to become completely unresponsive. Not that “me-time” is bad, but when I use it to the exclusion of our relationship, then it is a problem. I often get so engrossed in what I am reading that I do not even notice that Chris is in the room. The result from failing to give Chris my full attention when she wants to speak with me is that I fail to meet her expectations because I choose not even hear what the expectations were. I then feel disjointed in my relationship with Chris, like my arms and legs are connected to the wrong parts of my body and will not function properly. One small change that I have tried to make is to put aside whatever I am doing whenever Chris speaks to me, whether it is a book that I am reading, a task for work, or a chore in the house. I look at her to let her know that I want to hear what she has to say. With my eye contact, I am trying to tell her that she is important and I value our relationship. This has led to increased attentiveness to me in our relationship.
Another change that I have made is to name the feelings that I have. Stereotypical boys do not share feelings. I sometimes struggle with even accepting that I have feelings. As a child, when my feelings were hurt by an insult about my height, my mother would tell me to “toughen-up”, suppress the hurt, and get on with life. After several “toughen-up” lectures, I learned to put away all of my feelings in order to deal with life around me. So to put a name on a feeling and share that feeling with Chris requires me to un-learn a learned behavior and to step out of myself for the sake of my spouse. When I name my feelings for Chris, she sees me as a “feeling” and “emotional” person. Chris is then more likely to share her feelings with me and we are able to tackle our issues together as a couple working together. Our unity and intimacy have increased because of our increased presence with each other.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

James:
What we were experiencing in our relationship was Disillusionment. All of us, in our relationship with our spouses, reach this stage of disillusionment at one time or another. The life-giving tool for avoiding or escaping disillusionment is making the decision to love.
We often to think of love in terms of the romantic and tender feelings that we experience. And while those emotions are important, they are not the fullness of what love is. Feelings are spontaneous emotional responses to a stimulus. They can change often. How often have we thought or heard someone else say, “I just don't feel like I love him/her anymore”? It is important to remember that those romantic and tender emotions of love can and do change and are often not under our control. But the decision to love is always under our control. The emotion of love is something that happens to us. The decision to love is something that we ourselves do.
Making a decision to love means making choices every day to love and accept Chris even when she is not perfect. After getting home from work, Chris often asks how my day was. I make the decision to love by sharing my thoughts and feelings of the day with her, instead of just saying “Fine”. I make the decision to love when I help with the dishes after dinner. I make the decision to love by putting down my book when Chris wants to talk, so that I can listen with my heart. Making these daily decisions to love increases intimacy. Remember intimacy means being totally open to love and being loved. Even the smallest decisions to love bring closeness and renew our relationship, and help us avoid disillusionment.
Christine:
Sometimes I make the decision to love by choosing to be loved by James, especially at the times that I feel the least lovable: like when I am angry or depressed, or stressed out. When I let James choose to love me I am able to see more clearly how important I am and how loved I am by him.
Another decision to love is to fight fair. The term fight, as we use it, never refers to any physical or mental violence. Here are some quick rules for fighting fair:
Remember that criticism and sarcasm wound people and destroy our capacity to belong to each other.

• Avoid criticism. Avoid name-calling and character assassination.


• Never fight when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.


• It is a waste of time placing blame. Since you can't un-spill the milk, work at moving forward.


• Avoid using absolutes, such as, "you always" or "you never" or "every time." They are not true. Try to use “I” statements, like “I feel” or “I think”.


• Finish the fight. Even if there are tears, be sensitive, but do not walk away. Continue the fight for your relationship.


• Do not bring in third parties. A parent, a friend, a person at work has no part in your confrontation.


• Stay physically close to each other. An affectionate touch helps each to know that there is nothing that cannot be worked out in love.


• Being right is not as important as being in relationship. Fight for clarification, not to win.


• Do not garbage dump. You are discussing the issue at hand, not things from the past.

I decide to love when I bring up an issue that would normally cause a fight. Sometimes something will come up in our relationship that neither of us wants to touch. But if no one ever brings it up, the issue never gets resolved and it gets in the way of our intimacy. James and I have made these decisions to love a part of our daily routine to help avoid disillusionment.

James:
When we both make daily decisions to love and to confront one another when necessary, we are able to keep the path between us free of debris. The daily decision to love forms a piece of the foundation of the relationship that God desires for us. When we make these daily decisions to love I feel closer and more connected to Chris. The little things help me to remember and experience her love for me.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

James:
I felt an ever-increasing isolation from the world. I was one of the few married people at work, and so I didn’t fit in to the whole singles scene. But I wasn’t spending very much time at home, so I really didn’t fit in there either. I expected that since I was working two jobs, I deserved to do nothing when I was at home. My needs were not being met in our marriage, and I knew that I was not meeting Chris' needs. I was at a loss as to how to fix it. And I believed that part of my role as husband and father was to fix problems as they arose. So I spent more time at work. Dedication to a job is not a bad thing, but I was working longer hours to avoid the often chilly situation at home. I hoped that success in my career would make up for the lack of success at home. I even stopped for a couple of drinks after work to delay going home. I was lonely. My attitude was that I was off the clock and entitled to my time. I continually withdrew from our relationship because I did not know what else to do. I felt powerless. I avoided confrontation at any cost.
My get-through-the-day attitude had a numbing effect on my other attitudes and behaviors. I felt disappointed that my expectations about marriage were being dashed. I felt helpless to do anything about it. Any effort that I made seemed to be futile.
I wanted Chris to know that I still loved her and missed her. Couldn’t she see that I worked at my crummy job to provide for her and our children? I didn’t know how to tell her that I felt lonely and afraid and confused.
In order to justify my hurt, I slowly turned off my feelings in hopes that the hurt would just go away. I just couldn’t bear with the hopelessness and loneliness. I closed myself off from the possibility of Chris hurting me. I closed myself off to Chris loving me for just being who I am. I felt indifferent and disillusioned about our relationship and resigned myself to the fact that this is the way it is going to be. Thinking about the future led to questions like “Is this all there is?” I resigned myself to the fact that I might not really feel love again.
Christine:
Outside I may have been coping with the growing rift I felt between James and I, but inside my heart I felt like I was slowly drying up. I wanted to feel close to James and loved by him. I wanted him to know that the love I felt for him hadn’t died or run away, that I was still there for him. I just didn’t know how to repair our relationship. He didn’t seem to be missing me. I thought that I had lost my best friend. I didn’t know how to communicate my sense of losing him. I felt lonely in the world. I had plenty of stuff to do, but no one to share it with.
I can remember laying in bed one night, hours after James had gone to sleep and wanting to wake him up and feel his arms around me so that I could remember what it felt like to be loved by him. I was sure that if I woke him up he would be irritated by the loss of sleep. I was afraid of being pushed away by him, so I lay there feeling lonely and sorry for myself. I wanted to curl up in a hole and pull it closed over the top. I wanted to turn my heart off, so that I wouldn’t be able to feel this deep loneliness ever again. I thought I was trapped in a marriage with someone who didn't really love me, and now there was no way out.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

Christine:
In college, we would sit up at the lookout or in the student union and stare into each other’s eyes as though we were seeing the creation of a new universe. James captivated me with his unexpected and sarcastic wit. James and I spent about 10 hours together on our first date, and by the time I went home that evening I knew I wanted to marry him. I thought James was the most amazing human being that God ever created. I thought James loved me so much that he would never stop pursuing me. I was the center of his universe. I couldn't wait to be his wife so that I could spend the rest of my life admiring him and being admired by him. In the early days of our marriage our passion seemed like it would burn up the apartment. We touched each other often in passing and made an effort to make each other feel loved. We said “I love you” and complimented one another often. My life was filled with romance and coziness in our relationship. I felt special and cared for. He told me often how intelligent he thought I was, how pretty, what a great figure I had. James had the most beautiful eyes, the most amazing ability to cut into the heart of matters and see things clearly, and the hunkiest shoulders I had ever touched.

James:
We had been married for 4 years – with our 3rd child on the way. I continually came home with the workday still on my mind, and I grew less interested in Chris. Frankly, I felt less inclined to pursue the woman that I had already caught. Where I once admired her opinions, I now found them directed at me and my performance around the house. After spending hours on my feet and in the car, I lacked motivation to initiate chores or intimacy. Where I once found her to be my cheerleader, I now found her bossy and domineering. Chris could tell me once that the trash needed to be taken out, and that was okay, but her second request was instantly judged to be nagging. She seemed irritated when I wanted to talk about my day at work. We no longer shared anything meaningful about ourselves. We merely swapped functional information. We fought more and more about our budget. But I didn’t have an answer for the problem, so I just kept quiet to avoid conflict. I was disappointed that our vibrant relationship and romantic feelings had faded into a “get through the day” attitude. The reality of marriage did not match the dream I once had.

Christine:
My expectations of how our marriage would be were not always met. James rarely did anything to help around the house, he took it for granted that husbands went to work and wives took care of the house and the children. And that was not okay with me. I thought he had abandoned me to our rapidly growing family and didn't even care enough to try to lend a hand once in a while. He would come home from work and sit to read or watch TV while I continued to work all evening. Being a housewife wasn’t anywhere near as easy or fun as I thought it would be. Five minutes after James got home, I began to nag him to do the things I thought he should do. When I tried to talk to him about things that were bothering me he would cross his arms and stare at the floor silently. Where was that guy who stared into my eyes and talked for 7 hours straight? I felt lost, and worse, betrayed. I was no longer pursued in our relationship, I felt taken for granted. I believed I got cheated out of the fabulous marriage I expected.
We both worked hard all day and seemed to have nothing left for one another in the evening.
I began to feel lonely and abandoned in our marriage. I can remember one night after a fight James got up and went to bed and I sat in the kitchen staring at the blank wall crying my heart out and railing at God for sticking me with this unhappy life. It seemed like the only purpose I served in our marriage was to breed children and then be a slave taking care of them. I wanted to punish James for making me so unhappy. I would pick a fight intentionally to get a response from him. I would bang around the house so he would know I was mad and then say nothing was wrong when he asked what was the matter. Being together was not a joy anymore, it was a chore. We were either quiet and tense or yelling at each other. My behaviors began to pull me further and further into myself and away from James. I began to turn to my mom for social interaction and support, to the children and their activities to fill my loneliness and my time. Gradually I began to think and act like I was a single person again; I was capable of fulfilling my own needs. If I needed the kitchen sink plumbed then I did it, if I needed to reach out and feel love I called my mom, if my brain needed stimulating I would read. I treated James like he was no longer necessary. He was the person who paid the bills and shared my bed.

The unmet expectations of marriage often lead us back to the attitudes and behaviors we had as single people.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

James:
I grew up as the oldest of 3 children in a small rural town in Missouri. I went to the same school building from Kindergarten until High School graduation, and lived in the same house until Chris and I were married. I was a proverbial “bubble-boy”, sheltered from any and all extremes, with a very narrow vision of how married life should be. The environment at home was not hot nor cold, just lukewarm. I never saw Mom and Dad fight, but they never laughed, either. I did not see them as particularly intimate, and they seldom displayed affection. The best description of their relationship was “functional”. Family time was considered to be the time spent in front of the television after dinner. On the one hand, life was comfortable. On the other, I had no examples of how to work through the highs and lows of married and family life.
My father was the provider for the family, and he still works at the same job that he had when I was born. Dad was the strong, silent authority figure, and more of a distant observer in the day-to-day family life. Dad managed the money, allocated savings for vacations, and paid all of the bills. There was one checkbook in the family, and Dad carried with him. Dad was like a very effective manager. He made sure all of parts of the house worked properly, but rarely had any other involvement, unless an important decision needed to be made, the budget needed to be adjusted, or discipline was to be doled out.
My mother took care of everything inside of the home. Mom cooked all of the meals, cleaned the house, and did the laundry – all of the “typical” homemaker stuff. She sent us off to school in the mornings, and was there when we got home. She listened to all of our stories from the school day, and was even my Den-Mother when I was in Cub Scouts.
Growing up in this environment, I judged that this was the way that marriage was supposed to work. The man should work outside of the home, manage the money, and be able to fix anything and everything regarding the family. The man was “in charge”! The woman should raise the children, be involved in their activities, and manage the household duties. As long as everyone performed their role, things were to go smoothly. I expected the same kind of role-performance in my marriage.

Christine:
The way we were raised has affected the attitudes that we have in our marriage. Our attitudes reflect our individual values and principles. They are generally unchanging over time. My attitudes reflect the essence of who I am. They reflect my identity and are evident in the things I say and do as I experience persons, places and events around me. They embody my personal values, beliefs, goals, expectations, hopes, and fears.

James:
Throughout high school and college – “the dating years”, I saw myself in one of two places. I would either enter the seminary or get married. For me, the whole point of dating was to get married, so I only dated girls that I judged to be marriage material. I had been keeping a wish list with God on what I wanted in a wife– smart, great smile, blonde hair, etc. Either God would answer my prayer in this matter, or I would take that to mean that I was to enter the seminary after college. Well, God answered my prayers with Chris. She was the most amazing girl that I had ever met. She was cute and sweet and had an opinion about everything. She cared about what I thought as well, and the reasons for thinking that way. She was intellectually stimulating. She even liked my corny sense of humor. I knew not to let her get away. So, I spent a majority of my time trying to figure out how to make this girl like me, and then fall in love with me. She was the answer to my prayers.
In our early marriage, the romance continued. Chris did everything that she could for me and I continued to pursue her. We had great conversations until the wee-hours of the morning and shared great passion.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

James:
Now let's take a look at the way the world views marriage. As human beings our deepest longing is to find happiness. Society and the mass media propose various ways to find happiness: making lots of money, having a great body, a top-of-the-line computer, a 6000 square-foot house, taking the “perfect” vacation, acquiring the right car, or working at the right job. As a couple, happiness might mean going out every Friday night, or never fighting. We chase after what we think happiness is because of what the media, friends and family tell us it is. Media and television often play up the need for independence and self-reliance. Prenuptial agreements and no-fault divorce make marriages seem doomed before they begin; television often portrays marriage as easily disposable as people get married over and over. Another common view of marriage is that nobody every really succeeds: they deny themselves, living unhappily together or they give up and get divorced.
If this is the way that the world views marriage, what is God's view of marriage?
God's desire for marriage is for us to have the same deeply intimate union with one another as He desires to have with us as individuals. As a couple, we can fulfill our deepest longing as husband and wife, to find happiness. TRUE happiness results from the unity that comes from living intimately and responsibly with our spouse and the priest with his people. We re-discovered this true happiness during our Marriage Encounter Weekend. GOD'S DESIRE FOR MARRIAGE IS TO BE THE BEST COUPLE WE CAN BE.
In Marriage Encounter, when we use the word “intimate”, it means to be open to love and being loved. Being responsible means living out the decision to love in our daily lives. In living intimately and responsibly, our goal is Unity; we define it as the happiness that comes from the intimacy God calls us to in our relationship.

Christine:
Each one of us brings into our marriage our expectations of what marriage will be like. These attitudes are shaped by our family and friends, our culture, the way we grew up, and what we saw in marriages around us. I come from a blended family. My dad was a widower with 3 children when he and my mom got married and had my sister and I. The older 3 children had a rough time adjusting to the new family, and the relationship between them and my parents was often rocky. I did not want to experience those issues in my family, so I decided early that I would never marry a man with children, and I would not bring any into a marriage.
My parents seemed to disagree very reasonably, without any yelling or long silences. I was raised in a Catholic home, and believed that divorce would never be an option, no matter how bad things got.
As I was growing up I watched my Dad work side by side with my Mom around the house and taking care of us children. I thought this was the status quo for all marriages and I never thought to question it. My father was the provider for our family; we lived a comfortable middle-class lifestyle. My mother stayed home and cooked and baked and ironed everything. She made it seem easy to be the “master of all things domestic” and I thought that I would be the same way. I could see myself as a do-it-all stay at home mom who always had fresh bread baking and a warm smile to greet my honey at the door as he came home from the office.
I had this rosy dream in my head of being in love with a handsome man who would do everything in his power to make me happy. I was the baby in my family, and so I was almost always pampered and spoiled, and I liked it very much. I expected that same pampering in my marriage. I dreamed of being pursued in my marriage as if I was some lofty object. I expected to feel cherished and pursued all the time. My husband would treat me like a princess. I would get to spend the rest of my life side by side with my confidant and best friend. I believed that our love would supersede problems and make marriage easy. I expected that we would always find a way to agree on everything and then tackle the world together as a team. I didn't give a second thought to warnings from my parents and others that marriage is not always pleasant and easy and that I was going to have to work hard at it. Surely my husband and I would be above such pettiness.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

Christine:
Let us tell you a little bit about ourselves. We met at Benedictine College in Atchison, Kansas in 1993. We were instantly smitten and quickly fell in love. Two years later we were married and our first baby was born the next year. We have been married 12 years (on Sunday as a matter of fact) and have been abundantly blessed every other year or so with a new baby, with our eighth due in just a few weeks (I am pretty sure you noticed that detail- please say a little prayer for me that I do not fall as I try to exit this stage.)

James:
We made a Marriage Encounter weekend in 1998, and it set us on the road to becoming the Catholic couple that God is calling us to be. We learned new tools for communication and for keeping our relationship vibrant. This getaway weekend gave us the opportunity to reconnect and rediscover the romance. We began presenting weekend retreats and were selected to serve as Leadership for Southern Colorado Marriage Encounter from 2004 to 2006.
The story of Marriage Encounter began in Spain where, in the 1950's, a priest by the name of Fr. Gabriel Calvo began developing a series of conferences ending in questions that encouraged husbands and wives to become more open and honest. The first conference was held in 1962 with 28 Spanish couples.
The Marriage Encounter movement in the English-speaking world began in August 1967 at the close of the Christian Family Movement conference at Notre Dame University, where a Mexican couple and an American Missionary priest from Mexico presented the encounter program to seven American couples and a few priests and nuns.
It has spread rapidly to countries in other continents, thanks to the work of Father Chuck Gallagher together with a number of married couples who enriched the movement by beginning to organize "marriage encounter weekends" for couples and priests. American team couples were sent to Belgium, and later to England, and then on to more and more countries to the point where there are now 90 countries that have experienced the weekend. It includes 1.25 million people, with a growth rate of some 200,000 per year.
Marriage Encounter emphasizes the beauty of belonging totally to one another. Marriage Encounter teaches that marriage is a joyous celebration of God's plan for men and women, shared with the person chosen to be loved.

Christine:
So if God is calling us, what is He calling us to? It is our firm belief that God calls each of us to give of ourselves, to serve the Church and the world, and to gain sanctification. God is calling us all to Heaven.
As children we were taught that we would achieve sanctification through dedication to our vocation. Since James and I are called to the vocation of Marriage, we would like to talk to you today about what it means for God to call us by name through the Sacrament of Matrimony.
Marriage has a profound impact, not only on married people, but on ALL people in the world. The cornerstone of society is the family, and the foundation of the family is the relationship of a husband and wife. When marriages are made better, stronger, and holier, then all the members of the Body of Christ will be made better, stronger, and holier.

Could It Really Be?

The Radishes might give blogging another go. And it isn't even harvest season.

1961 Liber Usualis

By way of The New Liturgical Movement, a PDF of the 1961 Liber Usualis is now available.

Once again, many great thanks are due to Jeffrey Tucker for this product.

p.s. Don't forget about the 1961 Graduale Romanum and the Kyriale (Solesmes edition).

The New Lectionary in the Old Mass

I have been thinking lately about the use of the Lectionary from the Ordinary Form of the Roman Rite (with its 3-year cycle) being used in the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite. My gut tells me that I don't like the idea, but I have been wanting some good concrete reasons for such.
The USCCB has given the following statistics regarding the Scriptural readings at each Form of the Roman Rite:

Extraordinary Form (1962)	Ordinary Form (2007)
includes 1% of Old Testament	includes 14% of Old Testament
includes 17% of New Testament	includes 71% of New Testament

Daniel Mitsui at The Lion and The Cardinal has some very good thoughts about it:

Can anyone who argues for the three year lectionary remember what he heard at Mass one liturgical year ago this day? If not, then a one year lectionary is every bit as fresh and enriching as a three year lectionary. If anything, more repetition is needed, to inculcate the wisdom of holy writ despite ordinary human forgetfulness.

I would also ask, Are Catholics better catechized in Scripture due to 37 years of the New Lectionary? Frankly, are Catholics better catechized in anything after 37 years of the Ordinary Form of the Roman Rite?

MP Analysis

No, not from me. But Der Tommissar is back and in rare form:

Art. 8 A bishop who, desirous of satisfying such requests, but who for various reasons is unable to do so, may refer the problem to the Commission “Ecclesia Dei” to obtain counsel and assistance.

[DT: In my wildest of dreams, the implied meaning of this is…..”who will then get an indult community priest ninja-dropped into the area.” If that’s anywhere near correct, that’s nuclear.]

Ninja-dropping priests. 'Nuf said.

Online Audio Books

I may be a little bit behind. I just discovered through one of my many geek resources an online provider for public domain audio books -- LibriVox. With mature search capabilities and a growing selection of books, they cover a wide range of topics. Each book contains a link to the e-text as provided by Gutenberg. The even provide an RSS feed of New Releases.

I am currently downloading The Imitation of Christ, by Thomas a Kempis. Other interesting finds include P.G. Wodehouse, Geoffrey Chaucer, and William Shakespeare.

This site is a very nice distraction from the rest of the stuff that I normally look at online.

Huckabee for President

Just got an email from the Home School Legal Defense Association's Political Action Committee regarding their endorsement of former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.

Interesting statistics/views:

• As governor, he was the first to appoint a homeschooler to the Arkansas State Board of Education.


• He is adamantly opposed to the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child


• He supports traditional marriage.


• He believes that the Internal Revenue Service should be abolished and replaced with the Fair Tax.


• He believes and is willing to say that Islamic extremism needs to be understood as a theologically driven threat.

Mike on faith and politics:

My faith is my life – it defines me. My faith doesn’t influence my decisions, it drives them. For example, when it comes to the environment, I believe in being a good steward of the earth. I don’t separate my faith from my personal and professional lives.

Mike on the 2nd Amendment:

I was the first Governor in the country to have a concealed handgun license, and of course I’m a lifetime member of the National Rifle Association.

Mike Huckabee sounds like a pretty good guy, with real-life governing experience -- not some wannabe that popped his head out of the Senate.

And best of all, Mike is not a prig:

Huckabee, 51, enjoys playing bass guitar in his rock-n-roll band.

I will definitely be keeping track of Mr. Huckabee throughout the U.S. Presidential Campaign.

Car on Fire

I own a 1963 Volkswagen Beetle. Vehicle Identification Number 371. Great summertime car. Not so great in the winter.

I really, really want to love this car. It is fun to drive, looks great, and sounds like a classic VW. I get honks and waves on the highway, and complete strangers start up conversations at the gas station.

Cecilia

However, I think that I am in an abusive relationship. For everything that I have given her, she continues to spurn my affections to the tune of a $200 fuel line replacement, $1200 engine rebuild, and $100 on tires. She now needs some transmission and/or clutch work done, and so she was parked in the side yard awaiting the proper funding.

And then her engine caught on fire.

Seriously.

While mowing the lawn yesterday, I was going to move the car out onto the street to get the final edging complete. After backing the car out onto the street, I saw flames coming from the engine compartment via the rear-view mirror. I quickly pulled the car into the parking spot, killed the engine, and doused the flames.

So if you are looking for me, I am the one curled up in a little ball on the front lawn, sobbing like a little girl.

CMRI Meltdown?

One of the leading sedevacantist groups in the U.S. is starting to come apart at the seams. Some of the CMRI sisters who do not hold to the sede position are "forcibly resigning" (my term) from the Congregation.

A representative of the Spokane Diocese recently forwarded to them the attached letter. In it, Fr. Barnett addresses the issue of sede vacantism and the impossibility of its resolution:

First, there is no mechanism for the valid election of a successor to Peter. I [Fr. Barnett] was told by Fr. Casimir that, as the Church has always advanced throughout the world by means of miracles (cf. St. Augustine), we must pray for a miracle by which a Pope would be made known to us. In other words, we are to pray that the visible structure of the Church be restored by means of a miracle which requires circumventing those very structures. Thus, an invisible, extra-sacramental miracle is required to restore the visible, sacramental structure of the Church! It is a supreme irony that the possibility and desirability of such an invisible Church is the very position of the Protestants against which St. Charles Borromeo argued so strongly in the Catholic Reformation. Yet that is the basis of the theological position to which you [the Sisters of the CMRI] are asked to subscribe
...
But there is a deeper and more dangerous reason the the Apostolic See will remain vacant if you profess the sede vacantist position: no Pope is possible because no Pope will be accepted. In reality, the Apostolic See will and must remain vacant until Bishop Pivarunas decides that it is occupied. Without a Pope, he is autocephalous, and remains the highest authority in the Church.
...
Third, no Pope is possible for the CMRI because sede vacantism is based upon a fundamentally Protestant premise. It is based upon the false notion that an individual person has the power of the Magisterium to decide how to interpret Scripture and Tradition. This is the exact position taken by most Protestants, who retain the "right" to interpret Scripture according to their own standards. Such a premise is also an inherent component of the secular and modernist thinking so rampant today.

Even Bishop Terence Fulham agrees.

A defining quote from Bishop Mark Pivarunas:

Our Congregation's very existence is based on the vacancy of the Apostolic See.

The Domestic Monastery

Later this month, my wife will be attending the 8th Annual Rocky Mountain Catholic Home Educators Conference in Denver, Colorado. While making plans for her attendance, I noticed that Kelly Roper will be presenting the concept of the Domestic Monastery.

Since becoming interested in Benedictinism over 10 years ago and reading the Rule of St. Benedict, I have often thought of adapting the Rule to a "Rule for Families". Obviously, I am not the first to have considered this. Without getting into too many specifics, many other writers have drawn comparisons between the Benedictine Order and the Restoration of Christendom. The concept of the Domestic Monastery works at restoring the very building blocks of civilization -- the family.

My wife will be returning with a recording of Mrs. Roper's talk. I will post copious thoughts and impressions at that time.

The Catholic Approach to Work: Definition

As a follow up to my inaugural post at the Catholic Restorationists entitled The Theology of Work, I would like to explore the Catholic approach to work.

By gaining a Catholic understanding of work and its role in our personal and social lives, we begin to develop a type of theology of work, and in turn apply it back to the work to which we are called in our state of life.

Today, especially within the current post-modern scope, work is no longer a personal venture, but very much contributes to the social and cultural sphere. One does not perform his employment or vocational duties within a bubble or vacuum. Our work is becoming more and more a social force.

As such, we should approach our work as a means to an end, both within the temporal and eternal spheres. Our work is what we do, not who we are. However, as with all actions, whether virtue, vice, or somewhere in the middle, our work can shape who we will become.

Therefore, we should look to the Author of All Work, for whatever "moves, lives, grows, develops, and acts" does so "by means of power drawn from God." [1] Only God creates, in the true sense of the term, but God has allowed Man to be His co-worker and His helpmate in the economy of salvation. God provides the "gifts from which we draw the material for new work", whether they be physical or intellectual gifts.

In times past, the Christian world emphasized the importance of uniting spiritual work and physical work, as seen in the Rule of St. Benedict and the Benedictine motto "Ora et Labora" or "Prayer and Work". Contrast that with today, when work is seen as a necessary evil, to be tolerated for the sake of making a living. As Pope Pius XI stated in Quadragesimo Anno:

While dead matter emerges from the economic workshop ennobled, man, on the other hand, is made worse, and becomes more vulgar.

In reality, work is a call by God to cooperate in the Divine Plan, whether making fruitful the gifts of the Earth or the gifts of the Intellect, Will and Memory. Work is not a punishment, but a great trust that God has shown in Man. In His Wisdom, God has also provided that work help us to develop our spiritual powers to the point of perfection. Patience, Prudence, Steadfastness, Charity, Fortitude -- all of these are exercised on a daily basis and are strengthened by the work we perform. The True value of work is lost when approached only for the sake of material gains.

As a human person, one's mind and will should gain something from the work. Man should take something valuable from his work, because it is his work that is shaping the mind, will, feelings and other characteristics, including the Virtues. His physical and spiritual skills should not be overlooked.

As mentioned earlier, work is a means to both the temporal and eternal ends. Therefore, through his work, every man should aim to achieve (1) the perfecting of things, and (2) the perfecting of the working man.

This is the meaning of work.

This definition of work is the starting point for a restoration of true socio-economic progress. This definition is a starting point for the restoration of human civilization, for moral-religious progress, and for the the culture of the world.

"Work is not only for satisfying the needs of our existence. It is a means by which man knows himself and learns to express himself." [1]

Work is the means by which man is perfected for the eventual enjoyment of Eternal Beatitude.


[1] All You Who Labor: Work and the Sanctification of Daily Life, Stefan Cardinal Wyszynski, Sophia Institute Press, 1995.

Names Make a Difference

Steve (et al.) have spoken extensively on the roles of women and how dress makes the lady. Well, apparently names also make the lady.

Despite the overt spin of the story, there are some good nuggets. Girls who are given less feminine names are more likely to pursue math and science after adolescence. However the girls with more feminine names

were [not] any less capable. When the Isabellas, Annas and Elizabeths took on their tougher-named peers in science, they performed just as well.

Also of note was that children with more traditional names (with traditional spellings) scored higher than others.

... the exam marks of those with 'lower-status' names - often spelled in an unusual way or including punctuation - were on average 3 to 5 percentage points lower than siblings with more traditional names.

The name of the child, and its spelling, has an impact on the child's self-image AND upon the expectations of those around the child.

'Parents who make up bizarre names for their children are ignorant, arrogant or just foolish.'

Moral of the story: Give your girl a girl's name, and she will be treated as such. Dress your girl like a girl, and she will be treated as such.

The Falsity of Right vs. Left

Steve recently posted a summary of an on-going feud to which he has been party. The other person, Kevin, seems to like the right-middle-left dichotomy that has permeated the global culture and the Church.

The Right vs. Left is a flexible tool, completely based on one's own perspective. One person may be a social conservative and a religious liberal in the same breath. However, that classification may change when someone with stronger or weaker views enters the exchange.

Here is Steve quoting Kevin:

... he’s thinking well to the "right" (my term) of the Church on questions like NFP use and the role of women in family/society.

From Kevin's perspective, Steve's thinking is to the "right". Notice the subjectivity. The Right vs. Left is a perspective based upon where I stand at this moment. I am the center. I am the synthesis of the thesis and the antithesis.

I, James, have little room to pontificate, because I find myself using these false dichotomies at a moment's notice. They are so very convenient, but undoubtedly false. As a culture, we are so conditioned to think with a right-center-left mentality, that escaping it's grasp takes a constant act of the will. As humans, we sometimes (read often) fail.

In terms of religious observance and classification, (and really throughout all of culture) the subject should be judged on its relation to Truth and Falsehood.

The question is not whether anyone is to the right or left of anything. The question is:

Is it Truth?