God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

James:
One of the most important ways we choose to love is by active listening when our spouse is risking to share their inner self. There are several ways that we can limit active listening. One way I limit my listening is by listening just for facts. When a pipe burst in the basement of Chris' parents' house while we were house sitting, I was more concerned about the damage to the carpeting and how the event happened, than with trying to experience Chris' anguish and worry at her parents' feelings.
Another barrier to listening is preparing my answer. When Chris brings up anything about our budget, I am busy thinking of ways to cut down on my own spending and justify my own habits, rather than trying to share in her concerns.

Christine:
I limit my listening when I try to problem solve with James when he tells me about inter-personal issues he is having at work. I can't wait to tell him how he can fix it, but in doing so I shut myself off to hearing his feelings.
I often keep my motor running. When James comes home from work, I often try to finish dinner, direct the children, or do a load of laundry while he is trying to talk with me. It is quite common for me to leave the room on him mid-sentence and yell from the next one, “Go on! I'm still listening!” But in the end, I heard virtually nothing he said.

James:
Sometimes I pacify Chris instead of listening. When Chris has had a run-in with her Mom about the condition of our house, I tell her that her Mom is being over-critical and unsympathetic, rather than trying to understand Chris' feelings and be with her.
Impatience is another barrier to listening well: I am an internet fiend and will often listen to Chris only long enough for her to get to the point so that I get on my computer. I can't wait for her to stop talking so that I can do what I want.

Christine:
Sometimes I stop listening because I have heard it all before. When James brings up issues with which I know I will disagree, I usually tune out and reply with a series of “uh huh's”. I judge that I have heard all of this before in the very same way and he isn't going to say anything new or different, so why bother?
Another barrier to listening can be hanging on to words only. Sometimes James will tell me that it is fine if we eat dinner with my sister again, and because I want to go I entirely ignore his body language and tone of voice, choosing instead to listen to his words only.
Sometimes our personal past history can be a barrier to listening. In my family, dating was treated as a fun thing for teenagers to do. We were encouraged to date widely. James family treated dating more like courtship. When he expressed a desire to raise our children with a courtship mentality, I stopped listening because I judged my family's way to be best.
There are so many other barriers to listening, it is hard to cover them all. They can be things like superiorities, fear of change, being distractible, boredom, indifference, and being judgmental.
We must make a strong effort to put aside these barriers to active listening. Instead, I make an effort to make eye contact, to leave my arms open and my body facing James. Occasionally, I can repeat back to him what I think I have heard to ensure that I have received the message as he has intended it. I can ask questions in an attempt to draw out more of his inner thoughts and feelings. My entire demeanor tells James that I am interested in what he has to say. Listening involves all of me.

James:
During times of disillusionment, I have a difficult time overcoming these barriers and listening to Chris with my whole self. Recently, Chris spoke to me about our finances, a subject with which I always have difficulty. I started out listening for just the facts, not paying attention to Chris' body language. I had the side of my body facing Chris, with my arms crossed and my chin buried in my chest. But I wanted to be a good active listener and show Chris that I really cared, so I made a point to put both of my feet on the floor and face Chris. To keep myself from crossing my arms, I held Chris' hands and focused on her eyes. I tried to show Chris with my whole body that I genuinely wanted to hear what shed had to say. By listening carefully to her feelings, instead of trying to problem-solve or becoming defensive, I was open to hearing her with my heart. In turn, I could see Chris relax and open up even more.
I heard what Chris was trying to communicate, both information and feelings.

Christine:
I noticed immediately the change in James’ listening. He was actually looking at me, keeping his body open to me and keeping eye contact with me. This was a radical change. I felt truly listened to, truly cared for, and truly loved for the first time since we were dating! It was like re-discovering the man I fell in love with.
I have noticed that when I make the effort to listen with my heart, James becomes more and more willing to share things with me. He has been more willing to listen to what I have to say in return. Intimacy has grown between us and I feel more secure and safe in my relationship with James.
It was at this time that we realized and experienced that THIS was what God desired for our marriage. God desires the intimacy that happens when we are able to effectively communicate and accept the innermost feelings and thoughts of our spouse. Perhaps you have already experienced a taste of this unity in your own relationship. Unity is the true happiness that comes from the intimacy God calls us to in our relationship.