God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

James:
What we were experiencing in our relationship was Disillusionment. All of us, in our relationship with our spouses, reach this stage of disillusionment at one time or another. The life-giving tool for avoiding or escaping disillusionment is making the decision to love.
We often to think of love in terms of the romantic and tender feelings that we experience. And while those emotions are important, they are not the fullness of what love is. Feelings are spontaneous emotional responses to a stimulus. They can change often. How often have we thought or heard someone else say, “I just don't feel like I love him/her anymore”? It is important to remember that those romantic and tender emotions of love can and do change and are often not under our control. But the decision to love is always under our control. The emotion of love is something that happens to us. The decision to love is something that we ourselves do.
Making a decision to love means making choices every day to love and accept Chris even when she is not perfect. After getting home from work, Chris often asks how my day was. I make the decision to love by sharing my thoughts and feelings of the day with her, instead of just saying “Fine”. I make the decision to love when I help with the dishes after dinner. I make the decision to love by putting down my book when Chris wants to talk, so that I can listen with my heart. Making these daily decisions to love increases intimacy. Remember intimacy means being totally open to love and being loved. Even the smallest decisions to love bring closeness and renew our relationship, and help us avoid disillusionment.
Christine:
Sometimes I make the decision to love by choosing to be loved by James, especially at the times that I feel the least lovable: like when I am angry or depressed, or stressed out. When I let James choose to love me I am able to see more clearly how important I am and how loved I am by him.
Another decision to love is to fight fair. The term fight, as we use it, never refers to any physical or mental violence. Here are some quick rules for fighting fair:
Remember that criticism and sarcasm wound people and destroy our capacity to belong to each other.

• Avoid criticism. Avoid name-calling and character assassination.


• Never fight when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.


• It is a waste of time placing blame. Since you can't un-spill the milk, work at moving forward.


• Avoid using absolutes, such as, "you always" or "you never" or "every time." They are not true. Try to use “I” statements, like “I feel” or “I think”.


• Finish the fight. Even if there are tears, be sensitive, but do not walk away. Continue the fight for your relationship.


• Do not bring in third parties. A parent, a friend, a person at work has no part in your confrontation.


• Stay physically close to each other. An affectionate touch helps each to know that there is nothing that cannot be worked out in love.


• Being right is not as important as being in relationship. Fight for clarification, not to win.


• Do not garbage dump. You are discussing the issue at hand, not things from the past.

I decide to love when I bring up an issue that would normally cause a fight. Sometimes something will come up in our relationship that neither of us wants to touch. But if no one ever brings it up, the issue never gets resolved and it gets in the way of our intimacy. James and I have made these decisions to love a part of our daily routine to help avoid disillusionment.

James:
When we both make daily decisions to love and to confront one another when necessary, we are able to keep the path between us free of debris. The daily decision to love forms a piece of the foundation of the relationship that God desires for us. When we make these daily decisions to love I feel closer and more connected to Chris. The little things help me to remember and experience her love for me.