God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

Christine:
But sometimes it just seems too risky for me to share those inner feelings. And all of us have parts of ourselves that we don’t want others to see. It is very hard to reveal the things about myself that I judge to be unlovable. Every one of us has self-doubts, things we see in ourselves that show us how far from perfect we are. We see our own weaknesses, faults, and failures as road-blocks to others loving us. We center in on these self-doubts and hold them close to ourselves, hoping we can hold them away from others.
I keep hidden from others, especially James, my feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated. I get bogged down in the details of my day to day life until I feel like I am suffocating under a heap of wet Kleenex. When I feel out of control I try to portray myself as strong and capable. I put on my cheerful face and redouble my efforts to try to hide my feelings of exhaustion and discouragement. I judge that if people knew I struggle to keep up with the things I choose to do they would see me as weak, helpless and needy, and they would be right. I would lose respect and approval. If James knew I was feeling totally freaked out and overtaxed, I judge that he would pity me. I think he can’t love someone that he pities, so I fear being totally open about this part of myself.
Fears also limit my willingness to trust. I fear that if I share myself fully with James, including feelings I judge to be ugly and undesirable, that he will look more closely at me, and confirm my worst beliefs about myself. I fear he will see me as a less-than-ideal mate and a very incapable mommy. I feel naked and exposed, like a child at the center of ridicule. My exposed feeling wraps around me tightly, like a suffocating, scratchy wool blanket in August. I can feel my throat tighten and tears well up.
When I keep my overwhelmed and despondent feelings hidden from James, I am not letting him see the whole me. I am only showing him the parts of me I think he will approve of. I choose to show him only the Chris who is strong, independent and capable. When I keep my feelings bottled up inside, I tend to be irritable and short-tempered. I am impatient and snappy with James to push him away from me, sending the message that I don’t want him near me. James has no way of knowing why I am acting ugly, since I have not shared my weariness and fear with him. It drives a wedge between us and we become cooler and more distant. We begin to live more independent lives because it seems easier and more comfortable than me revealing myself fully.
Some other fears that we may experience when sharing ourselves fully with our spouse are disappointment, hurting the other, rocking the boat, being forced to change, and many others.

James:
One way we can choose to love is to be willing to risk vulnerability by sharing with our spouse those parts of us that we don't want others to see. Risking to share these innermost parts of ourselves builds trust in our relationship. Trust is having confidence in my spouse’s love for me. Risk is deciding to go beyond my obstacles and fears and become vulnerable to my spouse. Trust is a state of mind, but Risk is taking an ACTION.
We need to give a clear picture of what we mean when we say trust and risk. Trust has more to do with who I am and my relationship with another person. Risk is what I do about it. For instance, once or twice a year, Chris and I drive back to see my parents in Missouri. I can trust that Chris is a good driver, but I risk when I let her drive while I get some sleep in the passenger seat. I trust when I am confident that Chris loves me enough to listen to my concerns and not ridicule me for them. I risk when I share these thoughts and concerns with Chris. I am allowing myself to be "naked" in front of my spouse. I am letting her see all of me, to include the weaknesses, not just my successes and goodness.
I cannot encourage you enough to risk exposing your hidden self to your spouse. In sharing my inner self with Chris, I have discovered feelings that I didn't even know I had, and I learned so much about myself and re-discovered the lover with whom I can safely share my internal struggles, weaknesses, and failures, and know that I will be understood and accepted. When I risk to share my innermost feelings with Chris, our togetherness grows and we become like two people looking through the same set of eyes.

Christine:
Genesis, chapter 2, verses 24 and 25 tell us “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body. The man and his wife were both naked, yet they felt no shame.”
This is a message of intimacy that calls us to be honest, open, tender and trusting with each other and experience no shame. Being naked here refers not only to the physical, but also to the emotional level.
I take the responsibility to share my inner self instead of waiting to be asked what is going on inside of me. Becoming one body means loving James without conditions. When I do these things I am showing James and the world what God’s love is like: without conditions.
When I risk myself and my feelings with James, I am free to be loved totally, unconditionally for exactly who and where I am. I give James the freedom to be more totally open with me in return. The more we risk, the more we trust each other, which helps us to risk again, which helps us to trust each other even more.