God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

James:
I felt an ever-increasing isolation from the world. I was one of the few married people at work, and so I didn’t fit in to the whole singles scene. But I wasn’t spending very much time at home, so I really didn’t fit in there either. I expected that since I was working two jobs, I deserved to do nothing when I was at home. My needs were not being met in our marriage, and I knew that I was not meeting Chris' needs. I was at a loss as to how to fix it. And I believed that part of my role as husband and father was to fix problems as they arose. So I spent more time at work. Dedication to a job is not a bad thing, but I was working longer hours to avoid the often chilly situation at home. I hoped that success in my career would make up for the lack of success at home. I even stopped for a couple of drinks after work to delay going home. I was lonely. My attitude was that I was off the clock and entitled to my time. I continually withdrew from our relationship because I did not know what else to do. I felt powerless. I avoided confrontation at any cost.
My get-through-the-day attitude had a numbing effect on my other attitudes and behaviors. I felt disappointed that my expectations about marriage were being dashed. I felt helpless to do anything about it. Any effort that I made seemed to be futile.
I wanted Chris to know that I still loved her and missed her. Couldn’t she see that I worked at my crummy job to provide for her and our children? I didn’t know how to tell her that I felt lonely and afraid and confused.
In order to justify my hurt, I slowly turned off my feelings in hopes that the hurt would just go away. I just couldn’t bear with the hopelessness and loneliness. I closed myself off from the possibility of Chris hurting me. I closed myself off to Chris loving me for just being who I am. I felt indifferent and disillusioned about our relationship and resigned myself to the fact that this is the way it is going to be. Thinking about the future led to questions like “Is this all there is?” I resigned myself to the fact that I might not really feel love again.
Christine:
Outside I may have been coping with the growing rift I felt between James and I, but inside my heart I felt like I was slowly drying up. I wanted to feel close to James and loved by him. I wanted him to know that the love I felt for him hadn’t died or run away, that I was still there for him. I just didn’t know how to repair our relationship. He didn’t seem to be missing me. I thought that I had lost my best friend. I didn’t know how to communicate my sense of losing him. I felt lonely in the world. I had plenty of stuff to do, but no one to share it with.
I can remember laying in bed one night, hours after James had gone to sleep and wanting to wake him up and feel his arms around me so that I could remember what it felt like to be loved by him. I was sure that if I woke him up he would be irritated by the loss of sleep. I was afraid of being pushed away by him, so I lay there feeling lonely and sorry for myself. I wanted to curl up in a hole and pull it closed over the top. I wanted to turn my heart off, so that I wouldn’t be able to feel this deep loneliness ever again. I thought I was trapped in a marriage with someone who didn't really love me, and now there was no way out.