God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

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James:
We talked earlier about the way our attitudes are formed as we mature, and how they reflect our inner beliefs. The behaviors we use in our marriage are different from our attitudes. While our attitudes are generally unchanging over time, and reflect our core values, a behavior is a learned and adaptable manner of presenting oneself. Behaviors are used to win approval, gain respect, or accomplish another end. Behaviors may be different depending on whether the setting is work, home, or play. Behaviors have been learned over a lifetime, but as opposed to attitudes, they are much more subject to adaptation and change. Behaviors can be unlearned as well as learned.
To clarify the distinction between our attitudes and our behaviors, sometimes it is helpful to use an analogy. For instance:
If I were to ask you what type of house you live in, you could tell me it is a tri-level. That gives me a broad picture of your house, which will never change. The style of your home could be compared to your attitudes. But for me to really get a picture of what your house is like, you would need to tell me what kind of cabinets your kitchen has, the color of the carpet, or the type of furniture you have. This is a more detailed description of your home, and things that you CAN and WILL change. The decorations or color of carpeting can be likened to your behaviors. We can decide to change them anytime we want. But we will still be living in a tri-level house.

Having discussed the difference between attitudes and behaviors, I will now talk about some of my behaviors that have affected our relationship. When I was younger, I would often wait until the last possible minute before making a decision, hoping to make the “best” decision with the most information available. And when these decisions turned out with a positive result, I learned that getting all of the information and finding the best way to do things was more efficient and more appreciated by others. I was careful to associate with people I respected and looked up to so as to be perceived as respectable. I was often rewarded by teachers and peers with additional responsibilities for knowing the rules and following them. As I got older, my behaviors intensified. I am a chronic problem-solver, who is always looking for a better way to do things. Friends have always appreciated my ability to get to the heart of a matter and offer insights that were previously missed. When there is something to be done, I get everything sorted out and planned before actually performing the task, so that things are done right the first time.
My behaviors often have positive effects on my relationship with Chris. When Chris asks me what I think about a particular issue, I am up front and honest, which increases her trust in me. My tendency to work efficiently is helpful when I help clean up around the house. I become a single-minded, dishwashing machine who has the kitchen spic and span in no time flat. Chris sees how deeply I love her when I do things like this without being asked, and I am built up by her telling me how much she appreciates my help. The efficiency of teamwork also buys Chris and I some alone time in the evenings to talk and laugh.
Unfortunately, my behaviors also have negative impacts on my relationship with Chris. I often spend multiple hours reading. My quest for knowledge often interferes with Chris’ schedule, and she accuses me of being lazy and uncaring. This distances me from Chris, and tells her that she is not worth my attention. Our conversation stops, and Chris gets “Bangy”. When I do things around the house, I have a one-track mind. I am often defensive with Chris when she asks me to do something that is not within the scope of what I am already doing. I become short-tempered if she interrupts me. Chris leaves me alone so that she can do something else.

Christine
The decision to love often means being willing to change for the sake of our relationship. It means that I am willing to change behaviors that have a negative impact on my relationship with James. I take responsibility for the quality of our relationship. I do not need to wait for James to change before I can change. I am responsible for my own behavior.
I choose to live a more intimate and responsible life with James. Intimacy comes from making choices that are outside our normal behaviors. One thing that I have tried really hard to change in myself in our relationship is to be more clear about my expectations of James. I generally want him to understand what I want without my actually having to say so. I realized that this was unfair to James, so now I try to tell him verbally with politeness what I am wanting from him. Another choice that I make to be responsible in our marriage is to stop trying to change James. One way I do this is to give him some down time when he gets home from work in the evening; instead of greeting him at the door with a “honey-do” list. I try to give him this transition time with patience and understanding, instead of waiting with baited breath to get him to do what I want. I still often fail at choosing not to try to change James. I have this annoying habit of offering James two choices, one of which I have decided already is clearly the wrong choice, but I don’t actually tell him that until he makes his decision. THEN I explain why that choice is wrong instead of just telling him what I think we should do from the get-go. I also have a habit of volunteering his time for things I think he ought to do.
When I try to be intimate and responsible with James our lives together are more smooth, and romance seems natural and easy. Closeness is a feeling. It can easily be lost when difficulties arise. God invites us to choose something greater, a kind of relationship that brings much deeper involvement. True intimacy is a condition of the heart, an attitude that leads us to choose to open ourselves to being touched by our spouse and to accepting our spouse.

James
I also have behaviors that I have changed for the sake of our relationship. I really enjoy the “me-time” of reading for hours. A good book and a comfy couch is all the temptation that I need to become completely unresponsive. Not that “me-time” is bad, but when I use it to the exclusion of our relationship, then it is a problem. I often get so engrossed in what I am reading that I do not even notice that Chris is in the room. The result from failing to give Chris my full attention when she wants to speak with me is that I fail to meet her expectations because I choose not even hear what the expectations were. I then feel disjointed in my relationship with Chris, like my arms and legs are connected to the wrong parts of my body and will not function properly. One small change that I have tried to make is to put aside whatever I am doing whenever Chris speaks to me, whether it is a book that I am reading, a task for work, or a chore in the house. I look at her to let her know that I want to hear what she has to say. With my eye contact, I am trying to tell her that she is important and I value our relationship. This has led to increased attentiveness to me in our relationship.
Another change that I have made is to name the feelings that I have. Stereotypical boys do not share feelings. I sometimes struggle with even accepting that I have feelings. As a child, when my feelings were hurt by an insult about my height, my mother would tell me to “toughen-up”, suppress the hurt, and get on with life. After several “toughen-up” lectures, I learned to put away all of my feelings in order to deal with life around me. So to put a name on a feeling and share that feeling with Chris requires me to un-learn a learned behavior and to step out of myself for the sake of my spouse. When I name my feelings for Chris, she sees me as a “feeling” and “emotional” person. Chris is then more likely to share her feelings with me and we are able to tackle our issues together as a couple working together. Our unity and intimacy have increased because of our increased presence with each other.