God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

James:
I grew up as the oldest of 3 children in a small rural town in Missouri. I went to the same school building from Kindergarten until High School graduation, and lived in the same house until Chris and I were married. I was a proverbial “bubble-boy”, sheltered from any and all extremes, with a very narrow vision of how married life should be. The environment at home was not hot nor cold, just lukewarm. I never saw Mom and Dad fight, but they never laughed, either. I did not see them as particularly intimate, and they seldom displayed affection. The best description of their relationship was “functional”. Family time was considered to be the time spent in front of the television after dinner. On the one hand, life was comfortable. On the other, I had no examples of how to work through the highs and lows of married and family life.
My father was the provider for the family, and he still works at the same job that he had when I was born. Dad was the strong, silent authority figure, and more of a distant observer in the day-to-day family life. Dad managed the money, allocated savings for vacations, and paid all of the bills. There was one checkbook in the family, and Dad carried with him. Dad was like a very effective manager. He made sure all of parts of the house worked properly, but rarely had any other involvement, unless an important decision needed to be made, the budget needed to be adjusted, or discipline was to be doled out.
My mother took care of everything inside of the home. Mom cooked all of the meals, cleaned the house, and did the laundry – all of the “typical” homemaker stuff. She sent us off to school in the mornings, and was there when we got home. She listened to all of our stories from the school day, and was even my Den-Mother when I was in Cub Scouts.
Growing up in this environment, I judged that this was the way that marriage was supposed to work. The man should work outside of the home, manage the money, and be able to fix anything and everything regarding the family. The man was “in charge”! The woman should raise the children, be involved in their activities, and manage the household duties. As long as everyone performed their role, things were to go smoothly. I expected the same kind of role-performance in my marriage.

Christine:
The way we were raised has affected the attitudes that we have in our marriage. Our attitudes reflect our individual values and principles. They are generally unchanging over time. My attitudes reflect the essence of who I am. They reflect my identity and are evident in the things I say and do as I experience persons, places and events around me. They embody my personal values, beliefs, goals, expectations, hopes, and fears.

James:
Throughout high school and college – “the dating years”, I saw myself in one of two places. I would either enter the seminary or get married. For me, the whole point of dating was to get married, so I only dated girls that I judged to be marriage material. I had been keeping a wish list with God on what I wanted in a wife– smart, great smile, blonde hair, etc. Either God would answer my prayer in this matter, or I would take that to mean that I was to enter the seminary after college. Well, God answered my prayers with Chris. She was the most amazing girl that I had ever met. She was cute and sweet and had an opinion about everything. She cared about what I thought as well, and the reasons for thinking that way. She was intellectually stimulating. She even liked my corny sense of humor. I knew not to let her get away. So, I spent a majority of my time trying to figure out how to make this girl like me, and then fall in love with me. She was the answer to my prayers.
In our early marriage, the romance continued. Chris did everything that she could for me and I continued to pursue her. We had great conversations until the wee-hours of the morning and shared great passion.