God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV

This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.

God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X

...

Christine:
In college, we would sit up at the lookout or in the student union and stare into each other’s eyes as though we were seeing the creation of a new universe. James captivated me with his unexpected and sarcastic wit. James and I spent about 10 hours together on our first date, and by the time I went home that evening I knew I wanted to marry him. I thought James was the most amazing human being that God ever created. I thought James loved me so much that he would never stop pursuing me. I was the center of his universe. I couldn't wait to be his wife so that I could spend the rest of my life admiring him and being admired by him. In the early days of our marriage our passion seemed like it would burn up the apartment. We touched each other often in passing and made an effort to make each other feel loved. We said “I love you” and complimented one another often. My life was filled with romance and coziness in our relationship. I felt special and cared for. He told me often how intelligent he thought I was, how pretty, what a great figure I had. James had the most beautiful eyes, the most amazing ability to cut into the heart of matters and see things clearly, and the hunkiest shoulders I had ever touched.

James:
We had been married for 4 years – with our 3rd child on the way. I continually came home with the workday still on my mind, and I grew less interested in Chris. Frankly, I felt less inclined to pursue the woman that I had already caught. Where I once admired her opinions, I now found them directed at me and my performance around the house. After spending hours on my feet and in the car, I lacked motivation to initiate chores or intimacy. Where I once found her to be my cheerleader, I now found her bossy and domineering. Chris could tell me once that the trash needed to be taken out, and that was okay, but her second request was instantly judged to be nagging. She seemed irritated when I wanted to talk about my day at work. We no longer shared anything meaningful about ourselves. We merely swapped functional information. We fought more and more about our budget. But I didn’t have an answer for the problem, so I just kept quiet to avoid conflict. I was disappointed that our vibrant relationship and romantic feelings had faded into a “get through the day” attitude. The reality of marriage did not match the dream I once had.

Christine:
My expectations of how our marriage would be were not always met. James rarely did anything to help around the house, he took it for granted that husbands went to work and wives took care of the house and the children. And that was not okay with me. I thought he had abandoned me to our rapidly growing family and didn't even care enough to try to lend a hand once in a while. He would come home from work and sit to read or watch TV while I continued to work all evening. Being a housewife wasn’t anywhere near as easy or fun as I thought it would be. Five minutes after James got home, I began to nag him to do the things I thought he should do. When I tried to talk to him about things that were bothering me he would cross his arms and stare at the floor silently. Where was that guy who stared into my eyes and talked for 7 hours straight? I felt lost, and worse, betrayed. I was no longer pursued in our relationship, I felt taken for granted. I believed I got cheated out of the fabulous marriage I expected.
We both worked hard all day and seemed to have nothing left for one another in the evening.
I began to feel lonely and abandoned in our marriage. I can remember one night after a fight James got up and went to bed and I sat in the kitchen staring at the blank wall crying my heart out and railing at God for sticking me with this unhappy life. It seemed like the only purpose I served in our marriage was to breed children and then be a slave taking care of them. I wanted to punish James for making me so unhappy. I would pick a fight intentionally to get a response from him. I would bang around the house so he would know I was mad and then say nothing was wrong when he asked what was the matter. Being together was not a joy anymore, it was a chore. We were either quiet and tense or yelling at each other. My behaviors began to pull me further and further into myself and away from James. I began to turn to my mom for social interaction and support, to the children and their activities to fill my loneliness and my time. Gradually I began to think and act like I was a single person again; I was capable of fulfilling my own needs. If I needed the kitchen sink plumbed then I did it, if I needed to reach out and feel love I called my mom, if my brain needed stimulating I would read. I treated James like he was no longer necessary. He was the person who paid the bills and shared my bed.

The unmet expectations of marriage often lead us back to the attitudes and behaviors we had as single people.