Clare Assumpta was born on Monday, August 27, 2007 at 11:28 p.m. She and mom are doing very well following the 3 hour labor. I will bring them home tomorrow.
She joins Rachel, Genevieve, James, Rose, Brigid, John, & Catherine.
(and no, eight is not enough) ;)
The Bishop's Voice
From the Colorado Springs Diocesan Newspaper, The Catholic Herald
Aug. 10, 2007 Summorum Pontificum
Bishop Michael J. Sheridan, S.T.D.
Pope Benedict XVI’s long-anticipated apostolic letter (Summorum Pontificum), allowing for wider use of the 1962 Mass of Blessed Pope John XXIII, has been greeted by some as a greater opportunity to worship in the manner to which they were accustomed in the years of their formation in the faith; and greeted, predictably, by others as virtually the beginning of the end of Catholicism as we know it — or have known it for the past 35 years. A brief review of the letter may be a help in understanding just what the Holy Father is trying to accomplish by liberalizing the permission to offer the "old Mass."
What exactly is now being permitted?
Put briefly, the pope has given permission for the Tridentine Mass (so called because, with only minor revisions, it has been the form of the Mass in use since it was promulgated after the Council of Trent in 1570 until 1969) to be celebrated "privately" by any priest who wishes to do so; and publicly in those parish churches and oratories where a group of the faithful requests it and where there is a priest who is capable of celebrating Mass in the older form.
Will this new permission decrease the availability of the Mass of Pope Paul VI, currently in use?
No. The Holy Father has made it clear that our current liturgy (called the Novus Ordo Missae) will continue to be the ordinary expression of the Latin rite liturgy, while the 1962 Mass will be the extraordinary expression. In fact, only one 1962 Mass is permitted in a parish on a Sunday or holy day, unless the parish as a whole has been dedicated to the exclusive use of the old Mass. We have such a parish in our diocese — Immaculate Conception Parish in Security [This is the local FSSP parish - Ed.].
Why has the pope decided to extend the possibility of the use of the old Mass?
In his letter to the bishops of the world, which accompanied the apostolic letter, the Holy Father noted several things which moved him to grant permission for wider use of the 1962 Mass. First, a good number of people who had been raised in and formed by the Tridentine Mass were expressing their desire to continue to worship in that form. In addition, more than a few younger Catholics have been attracted by the Mass of Trent. Since the 1962 Mass had never been abrogated (i.e., officially suppressed) it was not a difficult thing to accede to the wishes of these people.
Second, because in so many places the celebration of the "new Mass" was done without faithful adherence to the prescriptions of the new Missal and with so many unauthorized innovations, many of the faithful found it very difficult to worship. They longed for a return of the liturgy that preserved the dignity and solemnity proper to the worship of God. The pope makes mention of his own experience of those years following Vatican II in his letter to the bishops: "And I have seen how arbitrary deformation of the liturgy caused deep pain to individuals totally rooted in the faith of the Church."
Third, the pope is sincerely seeking an "interior reconciliation in the heart of the Church." The reform of the liturgy after the Second Vatican Council was the occasion for deep divisions in the church, some leading to defection from the faith. It is Benedict’s hope that the more liberal access to the old Mass will invite those who have separated themselves to return to full communion with the church.
What will Pope Benedict’s new permissions mean for the Diocese of Colorado Springs?
It is difficult to answer this question so soon after the publication of the apostolic letter. Because any Catholic has access to the 1962 Mass at the Immaculate Conception Parish, we have made the first step in the implementation of the provisions of the apostolic letter. I do not have any idea at this point how many more Catholics will ask for the old Mass. Several priests in the diocese have indicated to me that they would like to learn to offer Mass in the Tridentine form. I will certainly provide them with that opportunity, and so there will be more priests available to accommodate the faithful. The Holy Father has not called for the promotion of the old Mass — simply that it be more readily available for those who find this form of worship especially meaningful.
Might these new permissions cause some confusion and problems as they are implemented?
Possibly. That’s why the Holy Father has asked the bishops to report on the implementation after three years. If there are serious difficulties, remedies will be sought.
Pope Benedict has made it very clear that these two expressions of the Latin Rite Mass — the ordinary and the extraordinary — do not in any way contradict one another. Both are part of the rich heritage of our church and both are perfectly legitimate forms of eucharistic worship. In a time when "diversity" appears to be the newest virtue, it is just a bit ironic that some of the loudest protests against the pope’s apostolic letter are coming from those who have embraced every other kind of liturgical diversity — and anomaly.
I make the same plea to all of you as does our Holy Father in his letter to the bishops: "Let us generously open our hearts and make room for everything that the faith itself allows."
This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X
...
James:
Yet another decision to love is to seek forgiveness and healing in our relationships. Forgiveness and healing are a part of living intimately and responsibly. Recently, Chris and I had an argument about the location of the important papers on the computer desk. I spoke harshly and accused Chris of being the source of the stack on the desk. We then proceeded to yell at each other for the next 15 minutes, all the while becoming more entrenched in our respective positions and more defensive. During a time of quiet I realized that I needed to apologize for being mean in the first place. I approached Chris, put her hands in mine, and asked for forgiveness. Telling Chris that “I am sorry” is very easy, and is sometimes said just to free myself from the guilt. Then it’s up to her to “get over it”. However, asking for forgiveness offers Chris the chance to enter into the healing process. I am asking her for a response and putting the state of our relationship in her hands. In turn, I receive her forgiveness, which restores the both of us to wholeness. Asking for forgiveness is the first step in the healing process. Healing is not automatic. But healing cannot begin until someone asks to be forgiven.
Christine:
This afternoon we have covered a LOT of ground in a short amount of time. Through the Sacrament of Matrimony, God is calling us to live an intimate and responsible life with our spouse. We do this by making the daily decision to love in a myriad of ways, including listening with my whole self, risking to trust my spouse, fighting for the sake of our relationship, and asking for forgiveness to begin the healing process.
When we make daily decisions to love, we grow in knowing one another. When we feel loved by each other, and in love with each other, our passion grows. We laugh together more, touch in passing, and say kind things to one another. We go out of our way to show our affection to each other.
James:
Living out God's desire calls us to unity. Unity is being focused on the other and being inter-dependent, rather than selfish and independent. We are not talking about being joined at the hip, but really and truly joined at the heart. Unity is concerned with a love that encourages us to get rid of the chains that bind us as individuals, and become MORE as a couple. One beautiful summer afternoon, God called us to be a Sacrament together. So it is only through being an “Us” that we are able to be all God wants us to be. When Chris and I are intimate and responsible in our relationship, we are more open to God in our daily decision making. When we made our Marriage vows, it was our intention that God be the “third person” in our marriage. I often tell Chris that I like me better when I am with her. Our love for each other encourages me to be a better husband and a better father. When Chris is more, I am also more. This is the unity that God desires for all of us.
Christine:
James and I try to live our love for one another as a sign to the whole world. Your relationship with each other is not a solitary thing shared just between the two of you, or even just among your family. The love between you is a sign to us, your family, your friends – everyone – of the power of the love of Jesus moving in you and through you. Jesus taught us that his love forgives, respects, listens, and trusts. You share the love of Jesus when you do these things with each other and with everyone you meet. Christ can be visible to others through your love for one another when you go out into the world. He has given each of you your own special gifts unique to you. Maybe you are the only person who can touch the life of someone you know, someone whom no one else can reach.
So your choice is, Will I live every day the way God desires for my marriage, or live by what the world teaches about marriage. Is it worth your time, energy and comfort? The payoff is living a marriage with the same vibrant, living love you experienced in courtship.
James:
If you are interested in learning more about these concepts and other tools to make your marriage into the reality of what God desires for you, we invite you attend a Marriage Encounter weekend. We have information and registration for weekends available at the Marriage Encounter table throughout the Conference.
Marriage is an extraordinary vocation and way of life. We consider it a privilege to be called by God to a loving relationship that will help both of us get to Heaven.
This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X
...
James:
One of the most important ways we choose to love is by active listening when our spouse is risking to share their inner self. There are several ways that we can limit active listening. One way I limit my listening is by listening just for facts. When a pipe burst in the basement of Chris' parents' house while we were house sitting, I was more concerned about the damage to the carpeting and how the event happened, than with trying to experience Chris' anguish and worry at her parents' feelings.
Another barrier to listening is preparing my answer. When Chris brings up anything about our budget, I am busy thinking of ways to cut down on my own spending and justify my own habits, rather than trying to share in her concerns.
Christine:
I limit my listening when I try to problem solve with James when he tells me about inter-personal issues he is having at work. I can't wait to tell him how he can fix it, but in doing so I shut myself off to hearing his feelings.
I often keep my motor running. When James comes home from work, I often try to finish dinner, direct the children, or do a load of laundry while he is trying to talk with me. It is quite common for me to leave the room on him mid-sentence and yell from the next one, “Go on! I'm still listening!” But in the end, I heard virtually nothing he said.
James:
Sometimes I pacify Chris instead of listening. When Chris has had a run-in with her Mom about the condition of our house, I tell her that her Mom is being over-critical and unsympathetic, rather than trying to understand Chris' feelings and be with her.
Impatience is another barrier to listening well: I am an internet fiend and will often listen to Chris only long enough for her to get to the point so that I get on my computer. I can't wait for her to stop talking so that I can do what I want.
Christine:
Sometimes I stop listening because I have heard it all before. When James brings up issues with which I know I will disagree, I usually tune out and reply with a series of “uh huh's”. I judge that I have heard all of this before in the very same way and he isn't going to say anything new or different, so why bother?
Another barrier to listening can be hanging on to words only. Sometimes James will tell me that it is fine if we eat dinner with my sister again, and because I want to go I entirely ignore his body language and tone of voice, choosing instead to listen to his words only.
Sometimes our personal past history can be a barrier to listening. In my family, dating was treated as a fun thing for teenagers to do. We were encouraged to date widely. James family treated dating more like courtship. When he expressed a desire to raise our children with a courtship mentality, I stopped listening because I judged my family's way to be best.
There are so many other barriers to listening, it is hard to cover them all. They can be things like superiorities, fear of change, being distractible, boredom, indifference, and being judgmental.
We must make a strong effort to put aside these barriers to active listening. Instead, I make an effort to make eye contact, to leave my arms open and my body facing James. Occasionally, I can repeat back to him what I think I have heard to ensure that I have received the message as he has intended it. I can ask questions in an attempt to draw out more of his inner thoughts and feelings. My entire demeanor tells James that I am interested in what he has to say. Listening involves all of me.
James:
During times of disillusionment, I have a difficult time overcoming these barriers and listening to Chris with my whole self. Recently, Chris spoke to me about our finances, a subject with which I always have difficulty. I started out listening for just the facts, not paying attention to Chris' body language. I had the side of my body facing Chris, with my arms crossed and my chin buried in my chest. But I wanted to be a good active listener and show Chris that I really cared, so I made a point to put both of my feet on the floor and face Chris. To keep myself from crossing my arms, I held Chris' hands and focused on her eyes. I tried to show Chris with my whole body that I genuinely wanted to hear what shed had to say. By listening carefully to her feelings, instead of trying to problem-solve or becoming defensive, I was open to hearing her with my heart. In turn, I could see Chris relax and open up even more.
I heard what Chris was trying to communicate, both information and feelings.
Christine:
I noticed immediately the change in James’ listening. He was actually looking at me, keeping his body open to me and keeping eye contact with me. This was a radical change. I felt truly listened to, truly cared for, and truly loved for the first time since we were dating! It was like re-discovering the man I fell in love with.
I have noticed that when I make the effort to listen with my heart, James becomes more and more willing to share things with me. He has been more willing to listen to what I have to say in return. Intimacy has grown between us and I feel more secure and safe in my relationship with James.
It was at this time that we realized and experienced that THIS was what God desired for our marriage. God desires the intimacy that happens when we are able to effectively communicate and accept the innermost feelings and thoughts of our spouse. Perhaps you have already experienced a taste of this unity in your own relationship. Unity is the true happiness that comes from the intimacy God calls us to in our relationship.
This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X
...
Christine:
But sometimes it just seems too risky for me to share those inner feelings. And all of us have parts of ourselves that we don’t want others to see. It is very hard to reveal the things about myself that I judge to be unlovable. Every one of us has self-doubts, things we see in ourselves that show us how far from perfect we are. We see our own weaknesses, faults, and failures as road-blocks to others loving us. We center in on these self-doubts and hold them close to ourselves, hoping we can hold them away from others.
I keep hidden from others, especially James, my feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated. I get bogged down in the details of my day to day life until I feel like I am suffocating under a heap of wet Kleenex. When I feel out of control I try to portray myself as strong and capable. I put on my cheerful face and redouble my efforts to try to hide my feelings of exhaustion and discouragement. I judge that if people knew I struggle to keep up with the things I choose to do they would see me as weak, helpless and needy, and they would be right. I would lose respect and approval. If James knew I was feeling totally freaked out and overtaxed, I judge that he would pity me. I think he can’t love someone that he pities, so I fear being totally open about this part of myself.
Fears also limit my willingness to trust. I fear that if I share myself fully with James, including feelings I judge to be ugly and undesirable, that he will look more closely at me, and confirm my worst beliefs about myself. I fear he will see me as a less-than-ideal mate and a very incapable mommy. I feel naked and exposed, like a child at the center of ridicule. My exposed feeling wraps around me tightly, like a suffocating, scratchy wool blanket in August. I can feel my throat tighten and tears well up.
When I keep my overwhelmed and despondent feelings hidden from James, I am not letting him see the whole me. I am only showing him the parts of me I think he will approve of. I choose to show him only the Chris who is strong, independent and capable. When I keep my feelings bottled up inside, I tend to be irritable and short-tempered. I am impatient and snappy with James to push him away from me, sending the message that I don’t want him near me. James has no way of knowing why I am acting ugly, since I have not shared my weariness and fear with him. It drives a wedge between us and we become cooler and more distant. We begin to live more independent lives because it seems easier and more comfortable than me revealing myself fully.
Some other fears that we may experience when sharing ourselves fully with our spouse are disappointment, hurting the other, rocking the boat, being forced to change, and many others.
James:
One way we can choose to love is to be willing to risk vulnerability by sharing with our spouse those parts of us that we don't want others to see. Risking to share these innermost parts of ourselves builds trust in our relationship. Trust is having confidence in my spouse’s love for me. Risk is deciding to go beyond my obstacles and fears and become vulnerable to my spouse. Trust is a state of mind, but Risk is taking an ACTION.
We need to give a clear picture of what we mean when we say trust and risk. Trust has more to do with who I am and my relationship with another person. Risk is what I do about it. For instance, once or twice a year, Chris and I drive back to see my parents in Missouri. I can trust that Chris is a good driver, but I risk when I let her drive while I get some sleep in the passenger seat. I trust when I am confident that Chris loves me enough to listen to my concerns and not ridicule me for them. I risk when I share these thoughts and concerns with Chris. I am allowing myself to be "naked" in front of my spouse. I am letting her see all of me, to include the weaknesses, not just my successes and goodness.
I cannot encourage you enough to risk exposing your hidden self to your spouse. In sharing my inner self with Chris, I have discovered feelings that I didn't even know I had, and I learned so much about myself and re-discovered the lover with whom I can safely share my internal struggles, weaknesses, and failures, and know that I will be understood and accepted. When I risk to share my innermost feelings with Chris, our togetherness grows and we become like two people looking through the same set of eyes.
Christine:
Genesis, chapter 2, verses 24 and 25 tell us “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body. The man and his wife were both naked, yet they felt no shame.”
This is a message of intimacy that calls us to be honest, open, tender and trusting with each other and experience no shame. Being naked here refers not only to the physical, but also to the emotional level.
I take the responsibility to share my inner self instead of waiting to be asked what is going on inside of me. Becoming one body means loving James without conditions. When I do these things I am showing James and the world what God’s love is like: without conditions.
When I risk myself and my feelings with James, I am free to be loved totally, unconditionally for exactly who and where I am. I give James the freedom to be more totally open with me in return. The more we risk, the more we trust each other, which helps us to risk again, which helps us to trust each other even more.
This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X
...
James:
We talked earlier about the way our attitudes are formed as we mature, and how they reflect our inner beliefs. The behaviors we use in our marriage are different from our attitudes. While our attitudes are generally unchanging over time, and reflect our core values, a behavior is a learned and adaptable manner of presenting oneself. Behaviors are used to win approval, gain respect, or accomplish another end. Behaviors may be different depending on whether the setting is work, home, or play. Behaviors have been learned over a lifetime, but as opposed to attitudes, they are much more subject to adaptation and change. Behaviors can be unlearned as well as learned.
To clarify the distinction between our attitudes and our behaviors, sometimes it is helpful to use an analogy. For instance:
If I were to ask you what type of house you live in, you could tell me it is a tri-level. That gives me a broad picture of your house, which will never change. The style of your home could be compared to your attitudes. But for me to really get a picture of what your house is like, you would need to tell me what kind of cabinets your kitchen has, the color of the carpet, or the type of furniture you have. This is a more detailed description of your home, and things that you CAN and WILL change. The decorations or color of carpeting can be likened to your behaviors. We can decide to change them anytime we want. But we will still be living in a tri-level house.
Having discussed the difference between attitudes and behaviors, I will now talk about some of my behaviors that have affected our relationship. When I was younger, I would often wait until the last possible minute before making a decision, hoping to make the “best” decision with the most information available. And when these decisions turned out with a positive result, I learned that getting all of the information and finding the best way to do things was more efficient and more appreciated by others. I was careful to associate with people I respected and looked up to so as to be perceived as respectable. I was often rewarded by teachers and peers with additional responsibilities for knowing the rules and following them. As I got older, my behaviors intensified. I am a chronic problem-solver, who is always looking for a better way to do things. Friends have always appreciated my ability to get to the heart of a matter and offer insights that were previously missed. When there is something to be done, I get everything sorted out and planned before actually performing the task, so that things are done right the first time.
My behaviors often have positive effects on my relationship with Chris. When Chris asks me what I think about a particular issue, I am up front and honest, which increases her trust in me. My tendency to work efficiently is helpful when I help clean up around the house. I become a single-minded, dishwashing machine who has the kitchen spic and span in no time flat. Chris sees how deeply I love her when I do things like this without being asked, and I am built up by her telling me how much she appreciates my help. The efficiency of teamwork also buys Chris and I some alone time in the evenings to talk and laugh.
Unfortunately, my behaviors also have negative impacts on my relationship with Chris. I often spend multiple hours reading. My quest for knowledge often interferes with Chris’ schedule, and she accuses me of being lazy and uncaring. This distances me from Chris, and tells her that she is not worth my attention. Our conversation stops, and Chris gets “Bangy”. When I do things around the house, I have a one-track mind. I am often defensive with Chris when she asks me to do something that is not within the scope of what I am already doing. I become short-tempered if she interrupts me. Chris leaves me alone so that she can do something else.
Christine
The decision to love often means being willing to change for the sake of our relationship. It means that I am willing to change behaviors that have a negative impact on my relationship with James. I take responsibility for the quality of our relationship. I do not need to wait for James to change before I can change. I am responsible for my own behavior.
I choose to live a more intimate and responsible life with James. Intimacy comes from making choices that are outside our normal behaviors. One thing that I have tried really hard to change in myself in our relationship is to be more clear about my expectations of James. I generally want him to understand what I want without my actually having to say so. I realized that this was unfair to James, so now I try to tell him verbally with politeness what I am wanting from him. Another choice that I make to be responsible in our marriage is to stop trying to change James. One way I do this is to give him some down time when he gets home from work in the evening; instead of greeting him at the door with a “honey-do” list. I try to give him this transition time with patience and understanding, instead of waiting with baited breath to get him to do what I want. I still often fail at choosing not to try to change James. I have this annoying habit of offering James two choices, one of which I have decided already is clearly the wrong choice, but I don’t actually tell him that until he makes his decision. THEN I explain why that choice is wrong instead of just telling him what I think we should do from the get-go. I also have a habit of volunteering his time for things I think he ought to do.
When I try to be intimate and responsible with James our lives together are more smooth, and romance seems natural and easy. Closeness is a feeling. It can easily be lost when difficulties arise. God invites us to choose something greater, a kind of relationship that brings much deeper involvement. True intimacy is a condition of the heart, an attitude that leads us to choose to open ourselves to being touched by our spouse and to accepting our spouse.
James
I also have behaviors that I have changed for the sake of our relationship. I really enjoy the “me-time” of reading for hours. A good book and a comfy couch is all the temptation that I need to become completely unresponsive. Not that “me-time” is bad, but when I use it to the exclusion of our relationship, then it is a problem. I often get so engrossed in what I am reading that I do not even notice that Chris is in the room. The result from failing to give Chris my full attention when she wants to speak with me is that I fail to meet her expectations because I choose not even hear what the expectations were. I then feel disjointed in my relationship with Chris, like my arms and legs are connected to the wrong parts of my body and will not function properly. One small change that I have tried to make is to put aside whatever I am doing whenever Chris speaks to me, whether it is a book that I am reading, a task for work, or a chore in the house. I look at her to let her know that I want to hear what she has to say. With my eye contact, I am trying to tell her that she is important and I value our relationship. This has led to increased attentiveness to me in our relationship.
Another change that I have made is to name the feelings that I have. Stereotypical boys do not share feelings. I sometimes struggle with even accepting that I have feelings. As a child, when my feelings were hurt by an insult about my height, my mother would tell me to “toughen-up”, suppress the hurt, and get on with life. After several “toughen-up” lectures, I learned to put away all of my feelings in order to deal with life around me. So to put a name on a feeling and share that feeling with Chris requires me to un-learn a learned behavior and to step out of myself for the sake of my spouse. When I name my feelings for Chris, she sees me as a “feeling” and “emotional” person. Chris is then more likely to share her feelings with me and we are able to tackle our issues together as a couple working together. Our unity and intimacy have increased because of our increased presence with each other.
This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X
...
James:
What we were experiencing in our relationship was Disillusionment. All of us, in our relationship with our spouses, reach this stage of disillusionment at one time or another. The life-giving tool for avoiding or escaping disillusionment is making the decision to love.
We often to think of love in terms of the romantic and tender feelings that we experience. And while those emotions are important, they are not the fullness of what love is. Feelings are spontaneous emotional responses to a stimulus. They can change often. How often have we thought or heard someone else say, “I just don't feel like I love him/her anymore”? It is important to remember that those romantic and tender emotions of love can and do change and are often not under our control. But the decision to love is always under our control. The emotion of love is something that happens to us. The decision to love is something that we ourselves do.
Making a decision to love means making choices every day to love and accept Chris even when she is not perfect. After getting home from work, Chris often asks how my day was. I make the decision to love by sharing my thoughts and feelings of the day with her, instead of just saying “Fine”. I make the decision to love when I help with the dishes after dinner. I make the decision to love by putting down my book when Chris wants to talk, so that I can listen with my heart. Making these daily decisions to love increases intimacy. Remember intimacy means being totally open to love and being loved. Even the smallest decisions to love bring closeness and renew our relationship, and help us avoid disillusionment.
Christine:
Sometimes I make the decision to love by choosing to be loved by James, especially at the times that I feel the least lovable: like when I am angry or depressed, or stressed out. When I let James choose to love me I am able to see more clearly how important I am and how loved I am by him.
Another decision to love is to fight fair. The term fight, as we use it, never refers to any physical or mental violence. Here are some quick rules for fighting fair:
Remember that criticism and sarcasm wound people and destroy our capacity to belong to each other.
This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X
...
James:
I felt an ever-increasing isolation from the world. I was one of the few married people at work, and so I didn’t fit in to the whole singles scene. But I wasn’t spending very much time at home, so I really didn’t fit in there either. I expected that since I was working two jobs, I deserved to do nothing when I was at home. My needs were not being met in our marriage, and I knew that I was not meeting Chris' needs. I was at a loss as to how to fix it. And I believed that part of my role as husband and father was to fix problems as they arose. So I spent more time at work. Dedication to a job is not a bad thing, but I was working longer hours to avoid the often chilly situation at home. I hoped that success in my career would make up for the lack of success at home. I even stopped for a couple of drinks after work to delay going home. I was lonely. My attitude was that I was off the clock and entitled to my time. I continually withdrew from our relationship because I did not know what else to do. I felt powerless. I avoided confrontation at any cost.
My get-through-the-day attitude had a numbing effect on my other attitudes and behaviors. I felt disappointed that my expectations about marriage were being dashed. I felt helpless to do anything about it. Any effort that I made seemed to be futile.
I wanted Chris to know that I still loved her and missed her. Couldn’t she see that I worked at my crummy job to provide for her and our children? I didn’t know how to tell her that I felt lonely and afraid and confused.
In order to justify my hurt, I slowly turned off my feelings in hopes that the hurt would just go away. I just couldn’t bear with the hopelessness and loneliness. I closed myself off from the possibility of Chris hurting me. I closed myself off to Chris loving me for just being who I am. I felt indifferent and disillusioned about our relationship and resigned myself to the fact that this is the way it is going to be. Thinking about the future led to questions like “Is this all there is?” I resigned myself to the fact that I might not really feel love again.
Christine:
Outside I may have been coping with the growing rift I felt between James and I, but inside my heart I felt like I was slowly drying up. I wanted to feel close to James and loved by him. I wanted him to know that the love I felt for him hadn’t died or run away, that I was still there for him. I just didn’t know how to repair our relationship. He didn’t seem to be missing me. I thought that I had lost my best friend. I didn’t know how to communicate my sense of losing him. I felt lonely in the world. I had plenty of stuff to do, but no one to share it with.
I can remember laying in bed one night, hours after James had gone to sleep and wanting to wake him up and feel his arms around me so that I could remember what it felt like to be loved by him. I was sure that if I woke him up he would be irritated by the loss of sleep. I was afraid of being pushed away by him, so I lay there feeling lonely and sorry for myself. I wanted to curl up in a hole and pull it closed over the top. I wanted to turn my heart off, so that I wouldn’t be able to feel this deep loneliness ever again. I thought I was trapped in a marriage with someone who didn't really love me, and now there was no way out.
This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X
...
Christine:
In college, we would sit up at the lookout or in the student union and stare into each other’s eyes as though we were seeing the creation of a new universe. James captivated me with his unexpected and sarcastic wit. James and I spent about 10 hours together on our first date, and by the time I went home that evening I knew I wanted to marry him. I thought James was the most amazing human being that God ever created. I thought James loved me so much that he would never stop pursuing me. I was the center of his universe. I couldn't wait to be his wife so that I could spend the rest of my life admiring him and being admired by him. In the early days of our marriage our passion seemed like it would burn up the apartment. We touched each other often in passing and made an effort to make each other feel loved. We said “I love you” and complimented one another often. My life was filled with romance and coziness in our relationship. I felt special and cared for. He told me often how intelligent he thought I was, how pretty, what a great figure I had. James had the most beautiful eyes, the most amazing ability to cut into the heart of matters and see things clearly, and the hunkiest shoulders I had ever touched.
James:
We had been married for 4 years – with our 3rd child on the way. I continually came home with the workday still on my mind, and I grew less interested in Chris. Frankly, I felt less inclined to pursue the woman that I had already caught. Where I once admired her opinions, I now found them directed at me and my performance around the house. After spending hours on my feet and in the car, I lacked motivation to initiate chores or intimacy. Where I once found her to be my cheerleader, I now found her bossy and domineering. Chris could tell me once that the trash needed to be taken out, and that was okay, but her second request was instantly judged to be nagging. She seemed irritated when I wanted to talk about my day at work. We no longer shared anything meaningful about ourselves. We merely swapped functional information. We fought more and more about our budget. But I didn’t have an answer for the problem, so I just kept quiet to avoid conflict. I was disappointed that our vibrant relationship and romantic feelings had faded into a “get through the day” attitude. The reality of marriage did not match the dream I once had.
Christine:
My expectations of how our marriage would be were not always met. James rarely did anything to help around the house, he took it for granted that husbands went to work and wives took care of the house and the children. And that was not okay with me. I thought he had abandoned me to our rapidly growing family and didn't even care enough to try to lend a hand once in a while. He would come home from work and sit to read or watch TV while I continued to work all evening. Being a housewife wasn’t anywhere near as easy or fun as I thought it would be. Five minutes after James got home, I began to nag him to do the things I thought he should do. When I tried to talk to him about things that were bothering me he would cross his arms and stare at the floor silently. Where was that guy who stared into my eyes and talked for 7 hours straight? I felt lost, and worse, betrayed. I was no longer pursued in our relationship, I felt taken for granted. I believed I got cheated out of the fabulous marriage I expected.
We both worked hard all day and seemed to have nothing left for one another in the evening.
I began to feel lonely and abandoned in our marriage. I can remember one night after a fight James got up and went to bed and I sat in the kitchen staring at the blank wall crying my heart out and railing at God for sticking me with this unhappy life. It seemed like the only purpose I served in our marriage was to breed children and then be a slave taking care of them. I wanted to punish James for making me so unhappy. I would pick a fight intentionally to get a response from him. I would bang around the house so he would know I was mad and then say nothing was wrong when he asked what was the matter. Being together was not a joy anymore, it was a chore. We were either quiet and tense or yelling at each other. My behaviors began to pull me further and further into myself and away from James. I began to turn to my mom for social interaction and support, to the children and their activities to fill my loneliness and my time. Gradually I began to think and act like I was a single person again; I was capable of fulfilling my own needs. If I needed the kitchen sink plumbed then I did it, if I needed to reach out and feel love I called my mom, if my brain needed stimulating I would read. I treated James like he was no longer necessary. He was the person who paid the bills and shared my bed.
The unmet expectations of marriage often lead us back to the attitudes and behaviors we had as single people.
This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X
...
James:
I grew up as the oldest of 3 children in a small rural town in Missouri. I went to the same school building from Kindergarten until High School graduation, and lived in the same house until Chris and I were married. I was a proverbial “bubble-boy”, sheltered from any and all extremes, with a very narrow vision of how married life should be. The environment at home was not hot nor cold, just lukewarm. I never saw Mom and Dad fight, but they never laughed, either. I did not see them as particularly intimate, and they seldom displayed affection. The best description of their relationship was “functional”. Family time was considered to be the time spent in front of the television after dinner. On the one hand, life was comfortable. On the other, I had no examples of how to work through the highs and lows of married and family life.
My father was the provider for the family, and he still works at the same job that he had when I was born. Dad was the strong, silent authority figure, and more of a distant observer in the day-to-day family life. Dad managed the money, allocated savings for vacations, and paid all of the bills. There was one checkbook in the family, and Dad carried with him. Dad was like a very effective manager. He made sure all of parts of the house worked properly, but rarely had any other involvement, unless an important decision needed to be made, the budget needed to be adjusted, or discipline was to be doled out.
My mother took care of everything inside of the home. Mom cooked all of the meals, cleaned the house, and did the laundry – all of the “typical” homemaker stuff. She sent us off to school in the mornings, and was there when we got home. She listened to all of our stories from the school day, and was even my Den-Mother when I was in Cub Scouts.
Growing up in this environment, I judged that this was the way that marriage was supposed to work. The man should work outside of the home, manage the money, and be able to fix anything and everything regarding the family. The man was “in charge”! The woman should raise the children, be involved in their activities, and manage the household duties. As long as everyone performed their role, things were to go smoothly. I expected the same kind of role-performance in my marriage.
Christine:
The way we were raised has affected the attitudes that we have in our marriage. Our attitudes reflect our individual values and principles. They are generally unchanging over time. My attitudes reflect the essence of who I am. They reflect my identity and are evident in the things I say and do as I experience persons, places and events around me. They embody my personal values, beliefs, goals, expectations, hopes, and fears.
James:
Throughout high school and college – “the dating years”, I saw myself in one of two places. I would either enter the seminary or get married. For me, the whole point of dating was to get married, so I only dated girls that I judged to be marriage material. I had been keeping a wish list with God on what I wanted in a wife– smart, great smile, blonde hair, etc. Either God would answer my prayer in this matter, or I would take that to mean that I was to enter the seminary after college. Well, God answered my prayers with Chris. She was the most amazing girl that I had ever met. She was cute and sweet and had an opinion about everything. She cared about what I thought as well, and the reasons for thinking that way. She was intellectually stimulating. She even liked my corny sense of humor. I knew not to let her get away. So, I spent a majority of my time trying to figure out how to make this girl like me, and then fall in love with me. She was the answer to my prayers.
In our early marriage, the romance continued. Chris did everything that she could for me and I continued to pursue her. We had great conversations until the wee-hours of the morning and shared great passion.
This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X
...
James:
Now let's take a look at the way the world views marriage. As human beings our deepest longing is to find happiness. Society and the mass media propose various ways to find happiness: making lots of money, having a great body, a top-of-the-line computer, a 6000 square-foot house, taking the “perfect” vacation, acquiring the right car, or working at the right job. As a couple, happiness might mean going out every Friday night, or never fighting. We chase after what we think happiness is because of what the media, friends and family tell us it is. Media and television often play up the need for independence and self-reliance. Prenuptial agreements and no-fault divorce make marriages seem doomed before they begin; television often portrays marriage as easily disposable as people get married over and over. Another common view of marriage is that nobody every really succeeds: they deny themselves, living unhappily together or they give up and get divorced.
If this is the way that the world views marriage, what is God's view of marriage?
God's desire for marriage is for us to have the same deeply intimate union with one another as He desires to have with us as individuals. As a couple, we can fulfill our deepest longing as husband and wife, to find happiness. TRUE happiness results from the unity that comes from living intimately and responsibly with our spouse and the priest with his people. We re-discovered this true happiness during our Marriage Encounter Weekend. GOD'S DESIRE FOR MARRIAGE IS TO BE THE BEST COUPLE WE CAN BE.
In Marriage Encounter, when we use the word “intimate”, it means to be open to love and being loved. Being responsible means living out the decision to love in our daily lives. In living intimately and responsibly, our goal is Unity; we define it as the happiness that comes from the intimacy God calls us to in our relationship.
Christine:
Each one of us brings into our marriage our expectations of what marriage will be like. These attitudes are shaped by our family and friends, our culture, the way we grew up, and what we saw in marriages around us. I come from a blended family. My dad was a widower with 3 children when he and my mom got married and had my sister and I. The older 3 children had a rough time adjusting to the new family, and the relationship between them and my parents was often rocky. I did not want to experience those issues in my family, so I decided early that I would never marry a man with children, and I would not bring any into a marriage.
My parents seemed to disagree very reasonably, without any yelling or long silences. I was raised in a Catholic home, and believed that divorce would never be an option, no matter how bad things got.
As I was growing up I watched my Dad work side by side with my Mom around the house and taking care of us children. I thought this was the status quo for all marriages and I never thought to question it. My father was the provider for our family; we lived a comfortable middle-class lifestyle. My mother stayed home and cooked and baked and ironed everything. She made it seem easy to be the “master of all things domestic” and I thought that I would be the same way. I could see myself as a do-it-all stay at home mom who always had fresh bread baking and a warm smile to greet my honey at the door as he came home from the office.
I had this rosy dream in my head of being in love with a handsome man who would do everything in his power to make me happy. I was the baby in my family, and so I was almost always pampered and spoiled, and I liked it very much. I expected that same pampering in my marriage. I dreamed of being pursued in my marriage as if I was some lofty object. I expected to feel cherished and pursued all the time. My husband would treat me like a princess. I would get to spend the rest of my life side by side with my confidant and best friend. I believed that our love would supersede problems and make marriage easy. I expected that we would always find a way to agree on everything and then tackle the world together as a team. I didn't give a second thought to warnings from my parents and others that marriage is not always pleasant and easy and that I was going to have to work hard at it. Surely my husband and I would be above such pettiness.
This is a talk that we gave at the St. Thomas Aquinas Society Conference God is Calling You By Name on August 3, 2007. I will post it in multiple parts for ease of reading.
An audio CD of the talk can be found at Holy Family Resources.
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part I
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part II
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part III
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IV
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part V
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VI
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part VIII
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part IX
God's Desire for Marriage -- Part X
...
Christine:
Let us tell you a little bit about ourselves. We met at Benedictine College in Atchison, Kansas in 1993. We were instantly smitten and quickly fell in love. Two years later we were married and our first baby was born the next year. We have been married 12 years (on Sunday as a matter of fact) and have been abundantly blessed every other year or so with a new baby, with our eighth due in just a few weeks (I am pretty sure you noticed that detail- please say a little prayer for me that I do not fall as I try to exit this stage.)
James:
We made a Marriage Encounter weekend in 1998, and it set us on the road to becoming the Catholic couple that God is calling us to be. We learned new tools for communication and for keeping our relationship vibrant. This getaway weekend gave us the opportunity to reconnect and rediscover the romance. We began presenting weekend retreats and were selected to serve as Leadership for Southern Colorado Marriage Encounter from 2004 to 2006.
The story of Marriage Encounter began in Spain where, in the 1950's, a priest by the name of Fr. Gabriel Calvo began developing a series of conferences ending in questions that encouraged husbands and wives to become more open and honest. The first conference was held in 1962 with 28 Spanish couples.
The Marriage Encounter movement in the English-speaking world began in August 1967 at the close of the Christian Family Movement conference at Notre Dame University, where a Mexican couple and an American Missionary priest from Mexico presented the encounter program to seven American couples and a few priests and nuns.
It has spread rapidly to countries in other continents, thanks to the work of Father Chuck Gallagher together with a number of married couples who enriched the movement by beginning to organize "marriage encounter weekends" for couples and priests. American team couples were sent to Belgium, and later to England, and then on to more and more countries to the point where there are now 90 countries that have experienced the weekend. It includes 1.25 million people, with a growth rate of some 200,000 per year.
Marriage Encounter emphasizes the beauty of belonging totally to one another. Marriage Encounter teaches that marriage is a joyous celebration of God's plan for men and women, shared with the person chosen to be loved.
Christine:
So if God is calling us, what is He calling us to? It is our firm belief that God calls each of us to give of ourselves, to serve the Church and the world, and to gain sanctification. God is calling us all to Heaven.
As children we were taught that we would achieve sanctification through dedication to our vocation. Since James and I are called to the vocation of Marriage, we would like to talk to you today about what it means for God to call us by name through the Sacrament of Matrimony.
Marriage has a profound impact, not only on married people, but on ALL people in the world. The cornerstone of society is the family, and the foundation of the family is the relationship of a husband and wife. When marriages are made better, stronger, and holier, then all the members of the Body of Christ will be made better, stronger, and holier.
